After the Breakup--Then What?
Recently we received this question and felt that it was something that many people face at some time in their lives...
"After 5 years together my husband told me one day he hasn't been happy for 5 months. He watched me hit rock bottem (ptsd) and he's afraid to see it happen agian. he's says he's too edgy and worried about me all the time. I came home from a weekend with my mom, and he just dropped this on me like a bomb. I threw the langere I bought on the chair beside him, and said "this is what I've been thinking the whole time I was away. How to rekindle things" he just set it aside and called his best friend. appearently he had this planned. He's not been a jerk about it, even paid half my rent for a couple months, yet I find myself wishing ill on him sometimes...very ill. He won't even try counsiling. any advice on how to move on?"
There are several aspects that we'd like to comment on concerning this woman's situation...
First of all, we know that this woman (and anyone else in a similar situation) is in a great deal of pain. It's never easy to deal with a partner who has decided that he/she is leaving your marriage or relationship.
With that being said and seeing that there doesn't seem to be an opening for a reconciliation, here are some ways to help her (and anyone else) move on..
1. You mention you hit rock bottom with post traumatic stress disorder. There's obviously something in your past that triggers you to go to the depths of your sorrow and trauma. You don't mention if you are seeing a therapist or in a group that will help you heal. If you aren't in therapy and/or a group, then that would be the first place to start. You need support right now and you need some new ways of dealing with your ptsd that will help you take steps toward healing.
2. You mention that you wish "ill on him sometimes...very ill" and it sounds like you don't want to continue doing this. While it's very tempting to stay in "victim" mode when someone leaves you, especially in a commited marriage of several years, all blaming someone else for the breakup does is keep you stuck. While blame is certainly not healthy--either blaming yourself or the other person for the breakup, it is healthy to look at how you contributed to your current situation. In doing so, you take responsibility for your part in the breakup (it's never just one person's fault--no matter who leaves) and you begin healing and allowing yourself to take a step toward moving on.
3. You mention that you spent some time at your mom's and bought langerie to rekindle your relationship. Do you see now that you were looking for a band-aid to cover a sore that was way too deep and wide to be covered by a superficial attempt to rekindle passion? So often people want to attempt to rekindle what may have been there by using passion that was once there without addressing the true causes of the separation. It never works--or if it works, it's only a temporary fix. What needed to happen to heal this relationship was honest talk between the two of you and your commitment to get the help you need to heal your past--as well as his commitment to make some changes as well. But since your husband did not want to see a therapist with you, it was obviously too late for him. The situation had reached a tipping point for him and he couldn't go back.
4. So to move on, we advise you to take a look at your part in ending this relationship and take responsibility for getting the help you need to heal yourself. When you begin to understand that both of you contributed to your situation, you will not lay blame on him but will see that this had to happen in order for you to wake up and get out of your familiar patterns and take a step toward healing.
Breakups are never easy but they are always opportunities to look at what you've been doing that you no longer want to do--that's not healthy for you to do--and to take new steps toward your healing and creating a more loving life.
