Love and Relationship Advice Blog

We received this question from a woman and it seems to be one that many people face...

"I've been living with a man for 5 years. I love him very much, and want to spend my life with him. However, he still has not asked me to marry him, after 5 years. I have become resentful toward his lack of commitment, and acted out by "picking" on him. I've also made it clear that I want to get married, and not live together indefinitely. Due to the "picking" from my side, and his increased withdrawal from commitment, we are having problems (communicating and sexually). We are now seeing a counselor. We both want the relationship to work, but are both depressed and sad about the current situation. I fear my resentment toward him for not asking will never be healed, and now that we are having problems, the timing is not good. Any recommendations or advice on what to do? I have time and energy invested, but wonder if we are just in a down swing, or have irreparable damage."

This is a pretty common dynamic when two people want different levels of commitment in a relationship. The person who wants a deeper commitment ends up pushing to get it and like this woman, often "picks" at the other person. Like this woman's partner, it's pretty common for the other person to simply withdraw from the relationship.

Although this is a tough situation, there are some things that we'd recommend...

1. Stop yourself when you want to pick at him and draw your focus into yourself. Start feeling your feelings and honoring them instead of burying them by picking at him.

2. Decide what you want in this relationship--besides getting married. Chances are there are some things that you'd like more of or less of. Begin focusing on the positive changes that you can begin making and ask your partner how he'd like your relationship to change and grow.

3. It's great that you both are in therapy. Take advantage of this to really look at what needs to be healed within you and ask for help to do it.

4. Give your healing a chance and if he doesn't seem to want to grow with you, then you have a decision to make about the relationship.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 08:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Since we're all about helping you experience the gifts of connection more of the time in your relationships and lives, here's an interesting question for you...

What is it that irritates or annoys you?

If you're like most people, there's probably been some time or another you've found yourself irritated by the small things that others say or do.

These could be mannerisms or annoying habits of loved ones or co-workers that seem to drive you crazy. For most of us there always seems to be something that doesn't seem to be such a big deal to others but is a big deal to us.

For Susie, loud gum "cracking" and "loud" eating have always been irritating to her. To you, these may be really small things and may not bother you but we're sure that you probably have things that seem to get "under your skin" as well.

When it happens, that annoying or upsetting behavior seems to be all we can focus on. In short, we become "nit-picky."

At times, our focus seems to get so intense that we seem to expect that other person will always act that way and sure enough--they usually do!

If you find that you are irritated or are being "nit-picky" with someone in your life, one of several things may be going on.

It may be that you are actually looking at a mirror of your own personal challenges or issues.

It may be that by focusing your attention outwardly, you're choosing not to look at your own challenges.

It may also be that expectations, assumptions and controlling behaviors have gotten the best of you and you are trying to live someone else's life instead of your own.

Susie noticed that when she's irritated by loud gum chewing or eating, it's usually a time when she's not feeling centered and maybe a bit overwhelmed. By being "nit-picky," she's choosing to look at an outer distraction instead of what's going on inside her. There is probably a little "controlling" behavior going on there too!

What Susie has learned to do when this happens is to look at what's going on inside her and pull her attention away from the so-called "bad" behavior of the other person. When she is successful in pulling her attention away from others and focusing on herself and what's going on inside her, the whole situation seems to lessen in intensity for her.

Along with focusing on the emotions that she may be trying to cover up, she also begins to focus on the qualities in the other person that she appreciates.

When she's able to do this, she not only discovers what is at the bottom of her irritation, but she also finds that the dynamics between her and the other person change for the better.

It really is true that what you focus on persists--so it you focus on what irritates you about the other person then you will just get more of it.

So, is there an irritation in your life or a situation that you'd like to change?

Just try for one day to change your attitude about that person or situation and see what happens. When your
mind begins to mull over minor irritations or actions that you don't like about another person, change your attention to yourself and what you are feeling.

Take a moment to stop what you are doing and breathe. Pull your attention inside you and just feel what emotion may be lurking there that you may not be aware of.

It might be that there's some anger about something else that really might need to be addressed or maybe your feelings are pointing to an attitude that you've been carrying around that you no longer need.

Whatever you discover about yourself, breathe into that feeling, acknowledge it and allow it to "soften". It will if
you will allow it and then you'll be able to see clearly what needs to be done, if anything.

Next, in your mind's eye, see qualities that you love or like about the other person. Hold that image in your mind.

We think if you try this two-step process, your "irritations" will decrease in your life and you'll begin to enjoy yourself so much more.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Recently we received this question and felt that it was something that many people face at some time in their lives...

"After 5 years together my husband told me one day he hasn't been happy for 5 months. He watched me hit rock bottem (ptsd) and he's afraid to see it happen agian. he's says he's too edgy and worried about me all the time. I came home from a weekend with my mom, and he just dropped this on me like a bomb. I threw the langere I bought on the chair beside him, and said "this is what I've been thinking the whole time I was away. How to rekindle things" he just set it aside and called his best friend. appearently he had this planned. He's not been a jerk about it, even paid half my rent for a couple months, yet I find myself wishing ill on him sometimes...very ill. He won't even try counsiling. any advice on how to move on?"

There are several aspects that we'd like to comment on concerning this woman's situation...

First of all, we know that this woman (and anyone else in a similar situation) is in a great deal of pain. It's never easy to deal with a partner who has decided that he/she is leaving your marriage or relationship.

With that being said and seeing that there doesn't seem to be an opening for a reconciliation, here are some ways to help her (and anyone else) move on..

1. You mention you hit rock bottom with post traumatic stress disorder. There's obviously something in your past that triggers you to go to the depths of your sorrow and trauma. You don't mention if you are seeing a therapist or in a group that will help you heal. If you aren't in therapy and/or a group, then that would be the first place to start. You need support right now and you need some new ways of dealing with your ptsd that will help you take steps toward healing.

2. You mention that you wish "ill on him sometimes...very ill" and it sounds like you don't want to continue doing this. While it's very tempting to stay in "victim" mode when someone leaves you, especially in a commited marriage of several years, all blaming someone else for the breakup does is keep you stuck. While blame is certainly not healthy--either blaming yourself or the other person for the breakup, it is healthy to look at how you contributed to your current situation. In doing so, you take responsibility for your part in the breakup (it's never just one person's fault--no matter who leaves) and you begin healing and allowing yourself to take a step toward moving on.

3. You mention that you spent some time at your mom's and bought langerie to rekindle your relationship. Do you see now that you were looking for a band-aid to cover a sore that was way too deep and wide to be covered by a superficial attempt to rekindle passion? So often people want to attempt to rekindle what may have been there by using passion that was once there without addressing the true causes of the separation. It never works--or if it works, it's only a temporary fix. What needed to happen to heal this relationship was honest talk between the two of you and your commitment to get the help you need to heal your past--as well as his commitment to make some changes as well. But since your husband did not want to see a therapist with you, it was obviously too late for him. The situation had reached a tipping point for him and he couldn't go back.

4. So to move on, we advise you to take a look at your part in ending this relationship and take responsibility for getting the help you need to heal yourself. When you begin to understand that both of you contributed to your situation, you will not lay blame on him but will see that this had to happen in order for you to wake up and get out of your familiar patterns and take a step toward healing.

Breakups are never easy but they are always opportunities to look at what you've been doing that you no longer want to do--that's not healthy for you to do--and to take new steps toward your healing and creating a more loving life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Divorce is probably one of the most difficult decisions that many people face in their lives. Here's one woman's struggle around this issue...

"My husband and I have been together for a total of 17 years. We have been married for 14 years. Through most of our relationship he has been very passive aggressive. In the relationship itself it eventually took on a form of it's own called, "emotional abuse". Several months ago I filed for divorce and told him that I wanted this and why. He said that he did not want out of the marriage. We are trying to reconcile now. He has since gotten counseling for his own issues and is no longer passive aggressive. I am still finding myself unhappy. I have discovered that the emotional abuse that I endured over the years was masking an even bigger problem. We really didn't know how to communicate with each other. It feels like we are now "peacefully co-existing". I am not happy in this marriage, but I am terrified of being single again because it's been so long that we've been together. We have a 12 year old child together. He does not meet my needs, nor does he know how to meet my needs. I am very lonely in this marriage. To make things worse, he no longer has any immediate family members. They either do not speak, or they have died. I do have some immediate family members, but they do not live near me. I am still undecided. I feel like we've been through this much already, why give up now?"

Here's the advice we give to her and to others in similar situations...

First of all, you need to take some time to decide what you do want in a relationship. So far, you are learning what you don't want but you need to get specific with yourself about what you do want. You say "He does not meet my needs." What does that mean to you? Make a list of how you'd like communication to be between you and a partner. Watch how others communicate and make note when you see something that you like in other couples.

You say you are undecided even though you seem to know deep in your heart that this man can't be the partner that you want and need. We suggest that you take some time to sort out what you do want and you may also want to work with a therapist or coach to help you clarify your situation and with your fears about moving on--so that if you choose to stay with this man, it's a conscious choice and you are not staying in a loveless marriage out of guilt and fear.

It's not fair to any of you--you, your husband, or your child--if you stay because of guilt and fear. Stay because you want to move toward what you want with this man--otherwise you risk dying inside.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question we received a couple of days ago and we thought that our answer might be of general interest to many couples in similar situations. Here's this woman's question...

"My boyfriend and I have a jealousy problem. We are both older and in previous relationships have been cheated on and left heart broken. I enjoy his company but we both do not want to get married and have seperate living quaters. We have been spending less time together and need suggestions on how to work thru theese feelings so we can grow stronger together. Please help!"

The truth is that until you both learn to heal your beliefs about yourself and your partner you will both just keep attracting the same kind of situation to you until you do. You seem open to making some changes so let's get started...

First of all, get on the same page if at all possible. Agree that you both have these issues and that you're going to do everything you can to heal them. If your partner isn't wiling to agree to any of this, then decide that you're going to begin healing yourself. Do not get married until you are moving into resolving some of these issues.

Next, look at your previous relationships in a different light. What did you learn or how did you benefit or grow when you were in those relationships and even going through the experience of being left? Start focusing on what you learned about yourself instead of hanging on to being victims. We suspect that you're both trying to "out-victim" each other and all it's doing is keeping both of you stuck. So begin to unstick yourselves by changing the way you view these past relationships. It doesn't mean that the person was "right" to do what he/she did. It just means that you are choosing not to be a victim any longer.

Decide what kind of relationship that you want and start moving toward it. Until you start focusing on what you want instead of what you don't want, you will stay stuck in the past.

There are all sorts of techniques that you can use and some of those you can learn in our mini-course for our No More Jealousy program. The mini-course is free and we welcome you to sign up.

Begin to move forward to a more empowering future! You can heal jealousy, many have done it, and we invite you to join them!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the most frustrating relationship problems happens when your partner becomes jealous--especially when you've done nothing in your mind to deserve the jealousy. You may try reassuring your partner over and over but they never seem to trust you. You may even eventually withdraw from doing things that you love for fear that your partner will get the wrong idea or feel insecure.

As Relationship Coaches, we hear from people who are in this situation how they are frustrated, unhappy and just want their relationship to be "normal" or "the way it used to be." In fact, we're giving a two-part teleseminar series to give some practical suggestions if you're in this type of situation.

Whether you sign up for the teleseminar or not, there's one thing that will help your situation...

It's the one thing that almost no one is willing to do to deal with the jealousy that's hanging over their relationship and create a better relationship and a better life.

This one thing is-- taking responsibility for having jealousy as an issue in your relationship and making the commitment to heal the issue no matter what.

We know what you’re saying right now…

“I know it’s a problem but it’s his/her problem--not mine.”

While it is true that you are not the jealous one, it is a problem in your life and if you are still reading this article, you want it to change. Even though you aren’t the jealous one, you have to take responsibility and make the commitment to healing it in your life.

After working with hundreds of individuals and couples to help them overcome jealousy, we can absolutely tell you one thing about overcoming jealousy...

Without taking responsibility for having the issue and making the commitment to healing it, your partner’s jealousy will never go away. It will just continue to hurt like pouring salt into an open wound until you make the decision to once and for all do something about it.

So what can you do?

You can begin by listening to your partner--truly listening and not dismissing what he/she says. Try to listen for the heart of what is being said. It might be that he/she wants more of your attention. Truly listen without being judgemental and without saying out loud or to yourself, "But I already give him/her a lot of attention."

Search your heart for how you have pulled away from your partner or closed down to him/her. It doesn't mean that you have to fulfill everything that your partner is wanting or lacking in their lives but it does mean that you are examining how you are willing to open to your partner--or if you are willing to open.

Healing jealousy takes patience and it takes being willing to open. It takes being willing to make changes in your life and get help if you need it.

Know that jealousy can be healed if you truly want it to be.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)