Jealousy and Trust: How do you know when to trust?
Here's a question that we recently received about jealousy and trust...
"I have been seeing someone for a while now, and we both have fallen very fast and very deeply in love with each other. As much as I do trust her, when we were out at the weekend she was rather drunk and ended up talking to a guy outside who kissed her. I thought nothing of this as she did not want or contribute to the kiss though after walking home a bit she told me she had kissed him back for a few seconds and being as drunk as she was, began telling me she was so sorry and she is just a whore.
This I knew was just the drink talking but she went on to say if I had not come out or if I was not there that night she thinks she may have went all the way and slept with him if the chance came up. I know that before we met she had had a rough time and quite simply herself respect was rather low. Trouble is after her saying she does not really trust herself, where does that leave me in trusting her. I have spoken to her and told her she needs to control her drink and she has said she will and that she does know she would not cheat on me.
The problem is still there though, as if she goes out a night with her friends and I'm not there, what happens if the same thing happens and I'm not there? Though the thing I am most worried about is becoming possessive towards her as every time she goes out side to have a cigarette at the pub, how do I know she isn't fooling around?"
Possessiveness or jealousy is certainly not the route to take and this person who asked this question is certainly wise to not want to go down it. With that being said, what does he do in this situation?
We have a couple of things to say about this kind of situation...
First of all, beware when you find yourself falling very fast and very deeply in love with each other. Get to know each other really well and that certainly doesn't mean closing your heart to the other person but take your new relationship a step at a time.
This man's new girlfriend has some issues from past relationships to heal if she's acting in this way. It also sounds like she needs to address a possible drinking problem. If she believes that she is "just a whore," she probably has some deep-seated beliefs that she has to change before she can be in a healthy relationship.
With that being said, the man who asked this question has a couple of options--
1. He can run now...
or
2. If he truly cares deeply for her, he can suggest to her that she get help from a therapist and join an AA program for her drinking. What he can't do is "fix" her. She has to want to change her beliefs and her actions. He can see whether there is a willingness on her part to begin to heal herself. If there isn't and he wants to create a healthy relationship with someone, he needs to realize that it probably won't be with her until she wants to get help.
People put up with a lot of excuses about poor behavior in the name of love. If you are in a relationship where one person is engaging in very destructive behavior, you have a choice as to whether you are going to enable the behavior by putting up with it or by encouraging the other person to get help--and then if you see that they aren't helping themselves and maybe never will, making the decision to end the relationship.
This advice may sound harsh but the alternative is to become someone you don't want to be. We encourage you to be loving with your loved ones and that may include some bitter medicine.
