Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Here's a question that we recently received about jealousy and trust...

"I have been seeing someone for a while now, and we both have fallen very fast and very deeply in love with each other. As much as I do trust her, when we were out at the weekend she was rather drunk and ended up talking to a guy outside who kissed her. I thought nothing of this as she did not want or contribute to the kiss though after walking home a bit she told me she had kissed him back for a few seconds and being as drunk as she was, began telling me she was so sorry and she is just a whore.

This I knew was just the drink talking but she went on to say if I had not come out or if I was not there that night she thinks she may have went all the way and slept with him if the chance came up. I know that before we met she had had a rough time and quite simply herself respect was rather low. Trouble is after her saying she does not really trust herself, where does that leave me in trusting her. I have spoken to her and told her she needs to control her drink and she has said she will and that she does know she would not cheat on me.

The problem is still there though, as if she goes out a night with her friends and I'm not there, what happens if the same thing happens and I'm not there? Though the thing I am most worried about is becoming possessive towards her as every time she goes out side to have a cigarette at the pub, how do I know she isn't fooling around?"

Possessiveness or jealousy is certainly not the route to take and this person who asked this question is certainly wise to not want to go down it. With that being said, what does he do in this situation?

We have a couple of things to say about this kind of situation...

First of all, beware when you find yourself falling very fast and very deeply in love with each other. Get to know each other really well and that certainly doesn't mean closing your heart to the other person but take your new relationship a step at a time.

This man's new girlfriend has some issues from past relationships to heal if she's acting in this way. It also sounds like she needs to address a possible drinking problem. If she believes that she is "just a whore," she probably has some deep-seated beliefs that she has to change before she can be in a healthy relationship.

With that being said, the man who asked this question has a couple of options--
1. He can run now...
or
2. If he truly cares deeply for her, he can suggest to her that she get help from a therapist and join an AA program for her drinking. What he can't do is "fix" her. She has to want to change her beliefs and her actions. He can see whether there is a willingness on her part to begin to heal herself. If there isn't and he wants to create a healthy relationship with someone, he needs to realize that it probably won't be with her until she wants to get help.

People put up with a lot of excuses about poor behavior in the name of love. If you are in a relationship where one person is engaging in very destructive behavior, you have a choice as to whether you are going to enable the behavior by putting up with it or by encouraging the other person to get help--and then if you see that they aren't helping themselves and maybe never will, making the decision to end the relationship.

This advice may sound harsh but the alternative is to become someone you don't want to be. We encourage you to be loving with your loved ones and that may include some bitter medicine.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

What do people want for their relationships and lives today?

One thing we've noticed as we listen to relationship questions and work with people in our coaching practice is that they are wanting more out of their relationships and their lives.

You've probably looked around and noticed that some relationships seem to be dissolving because people are no longer willing to stay in relationships or marriages that aren't happy and satisfying. They want more.

You might have also noticed that other people stay in relationships that seem to have died a long time ago and even though they seem to be staying in these unfulfilling relationships, they still want more.

In the back of their minds, whether they leave their relationships or stay in them, they wonder if it's even possible to have a lasting relationship that's passionate and alive.

We not only know that it's possible--we've seen evidence of it and have lived it ourselves.

One of the things that we've learned about how to keep passion and our relationship alive is to constantly look at your relationship and your beloved with "new eyes."

Now, what does that mean--to look at your relationship and / or your beloved with "new eyes"?

Here's an example to illustrate our point...

Last weekend we went to a new movie theater in Columbus, Ohio which is about an hour's drive from the city where we live.

This movie theater that we went to was in the "South Campus Area" just south of Ohio State University's campus. Even though both of us have driven past this area where this new theater is now located many times, we were shocked with what we found when we got there.
What had happened since we had last been to this part of Columbus was that this entire area had been completely transformed. What was once run-down student housing and abandoned buildings has been completely transformed with new shops, theaters, restaurants, coffee shops and more. We were amazed.

So what's the point?

The point is that in order for all this transformation to have taken place, someone had to have looked at this area with new eyes and envisioned a convenient, pleasant, exciting atmosphere for people to gather -- much different from what had been there before.

This is how we need to be in our significant relationships if they are to be alive and thriving for many years.

So how do we translate this "new eyes" idea to our everyday lives even if we may have been together with our mate for many years?

One of Susie's long-time friends told her that she and her husband of 25 years had taken the first vacation together by themselves for many years. They visited New England and toured ivy league colleges and had a great time.

She said that she and her husband learned that they really liked one another and enjoyed traveling together. They had forgotten what it felt like to just have fun together until they went on this trip.

It was pretty evident that they were looking at each other with "new eyes." They had found something that they really loved to do together and they had rediscovered that they really enjoyed each other.

Whether you've been in a relationship for many years or have just begun, we suggest that you can look at each other with "new eyes" and open your heart and mind to finding ways to do it.

If you are single and are wanting your next relationship to be different and to last, start right now to look at the people in your life with "new eyes." Begin looking at and thinking about your new or potential new partner with new eyes instead of comparing him or her to your previous partner.

What can you learn about each other? What can you re-discover about each other?

Looking at the people in your life with "new eyes" is just one of the many ways to create passionate, connected, alive relationships.

Let us know if you have a "new eyes" story. We'd love to hear it!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

This week, we received this question...

"My husband just told me he doesn't love me. This is after 10 years of going to marital counseling off and on because I asked him to. What now?" Sandy

This is probably one of the most painful processes a person has to go through--finding out that your spouse doesn't love you.

You ask, "What now?"

The "What now" depends on what you want for your life and how you want to live.

It sounds like you have tried for 10 years to make your relationship better by going to counseling and your relationship has reached a point where you both have to look at what you want in life.

The first thing I would suggest is to decide whether you want to stay in a marriage where you aren't loved. You don't say whether your husband wants to end your marriage or not. He may be and probably is in a lot of turmoil. But whatever is going on with him--you need to search your heart for what you want, knowing that he's probably not going to magically love you again like he used to.

Gather around you a support system of friends who will not give you pity but rather will listen to you and just be with you. Find a therapist just for you to help you through this.

When Susie's ex-husband told her something similar after 30 years of marriage, they both went to counseling but after a few months, she was the one who had to decide what she deserved to have in her life. She decided that she deserved to be loved (like she is now by Otto) and that her ex deserved to find someone who he could love and who could love him the way he wanted.

That decision to split is never an easy one, especially after years of marriage and we never recommend doing it without trying everything to come back together. But there can reach a point when both people are honest with themselves and with each other that they decide that they will never be happy together and that they need to move on.

Even though it looks very dark right now and it's so painful to be told that the person you love doesn't love you anymore, it may be time to look toward the future and creating a new life for yourself. It takes courage but often times both people are much happier in their new lives.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question that we received recently. Our answer may interest you if you can't seem to get over a relationship break up or divorce...

"Somehow I find it hard to take advice from two people that are married offering advice to people suffering through the pain of divorce."

It's been our experience that one of the most important times you should seek support for yourself is when you are going through a difficult time--and support includes people who are married.

Yes, we ARE married and we both suffered through the divorces of our marriages of many years. So we know what we are talking about because we have been there--and you're right--it is a painful place to be. But know that you have to make a decision to heal and do what you can to allow that to happen.

As relationship coaches, we work with individuals and couples in every walk of life and help them solve nearly every kind of relationship challenge, problem or issue that comes up for them.

We work with both married people and singles. We work with people who want to attract their perfect partner. We also work with people who are considering leaving a relationship or marriage...people who are trying to rebuild their life after a break up or divorce and every every kind of situation in between all of these.

We're glad that we can offer help and support to anyone who wants or needs it--through our coaching, our free articles, and our books and courses.

So whether you take our advice or not about healing from a divorce, we encourage you to take positive steps toward healing your pain by reaching out to something or someone who will help you to move on.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 07:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a fascinating question that we received from one of our newsletter subscribers and we are fairly certain that the question has come up for many other people in their relationships.

Our subscriber asked...

"Can you say 'I love you' too much? How can I make my partner believe that you can not overuse the 'I love you' term. He says if we say it too often, it will become meaningless."

We've heard this question more than once and our answer may surprise you...

First of all, we all come to our relationships with different past experiences, expectations and desires. Even though it may seem that the person we fall in love with is just like us, in so many ways (that usually surface after you've been together for quite awhile) they are so different.

The differences usually arise from our past experiences and how our role models (including our parents) conducted their lives and their relationships.

Our newsletter subscriber is with a person who has a different idea of what the "I love you" term means and how to use.

So can you overuse the term "I love you" ?

According to this man and probably many others, yes you can.

Does that mean that she doesn't get her needs met and she just has to put up with his ways?

Of course not.

Before we give some pointers about this situation, we'd like to give another possible explanation for these differences.

In neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), people are described to take in information and learn in three different ways...

1. Auditory
2. Visual
3. Kinesthetic

Although we each take in information in all of these ways, most of us have one dominant way.

What does this have to do with our topic?

Plenty and here's why...

Our newsletter subscriber may be an auditory learner (she may like to hear information) and her partner may prefer to get and give information in one of the two other ways. He may prefer demonstrations of love as opposed to saying it or he may prefer written notes of love.

We're just throwing this idea out for you to consider that we all don't like to receive and give information in the same ways--just as some people prefer to use email to contact people and others prefer to use the telephone.

There are many different reasons why someone may not want someone telling them "I Love You" all the time here are a couple others...

If someone doesn't want to overuse the "I Love You" phrase, it could be that they have witnessed other people in their life saying they love someone and then seeing them doing or saying things that weren't acts of kindness
or love.

It could also be that they witnessed people saying "I love you" in a way that seemed insincere or trite. They may have done this in the past or saw it done and they don't want to repeat it.

So with those possible explanations why someone might have that idea, here are some suggestions if you are facing this kind of difference between you and a loved one (or for that matter, any one in your life)...

1. Listen, truly listen, to how your partner wants to be loved. If he/she doesn't want to talk about the topic, pay attention to how the person shows love for you. Understand why your partner has that view.

Kelly's (one of our coaching clients) husband loved her by "doing" things around the house for her and by fixing things. He also sent her cards and flowers but saying "I love you" to her wasn't tops on his list. Kelly began opening more to him in ways that showed him she loved him. She began giving him her full attention when he talked with her and by doing that they became closer. And yes, she did feel more loved even though he didn't say it much more often than he had before.

2. Make sure that actions are in alignment with words. So often people say "I love you" and then in the next moment, do or say something that indicates something far different from love. They may not even realize that they are doing it.

Some people grew up in a family that made cutting, sarcastic remarks and it's become a habit for them to do it also. They don't even know that they are doing it--but the other person always does. If a person has witnessed or experienced "I love you" being followed by mean-spirited words or actions, they of course will be wary of using the term.

So make sure that loving actions follow this phrase of endearment.

3. If your partner is wary of using this phrase (for whatever reason), what are some other ways that you enjoy being loved? Do you like foot rubs, someone to help with household chores or the kids, or maybe an evening a week or a month of pampering?

Tell your partner other ways that you'd like to be loved because saying "I love you"--while it can be special--is not the only way to express love.

Whether you have this challenge in your relationship or not--we invite you to express genuine love for one another in many different ways and explore what's possible. Make sure that your words and your actions are in alignment as you move through your day toward creating the life that you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)