Marriage Advice about Changing Your Spouse
People write to us everyday--upset that their partner or spouse isn't who they want them to be. They suggest that if only he or she would only do this or that, or be like this or that then everything would be just fine. They even say, "I've tried everything to get them to change--and nothing's worked."
We agree that change is difficult and the bottom line is that you cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself. We've certainly had our moments of trying to change each other and other members of our family to fit in with what we want and we've learned a few things in the process.
A movie that is several years old impacted us greatly is called "Pay it Forward." If you haven't seen it, we recommend that you rent it.
The major premise of the film is that 11 year old Trevor wanted to change three people's lives for the better and they would in turn change three other people's lives. What he found out was that he couldn't change people the way he wanted them to change. But, he did impact their lives in ways he didn't realize.
Trevor tried to help Jerry, the vagrant drug addict, but Jerry just couldn't seem to kick the habit. Trevor thought he failed but his impact on Jerry was even greater than he thought. Because of Trevor's initial act of kindness, Jerry was able to ask for help from a person in the most unlikely of circumstances and take a step forward in healing himself.
Because of Trevor's example of unconditional love and kindness, his mother was able to extend forgiveness
and unconditional love to Trevor's grandmother who was an alcoholic living on the streets. No, the grandmother didn't kick her habit but she was able to take a tiny step forward.
What we are saying is, that no matter how we want someone else to be, they may change (or they may not), but not necessarily the way we want them to.
So, what do we suggest to the person who wants another, especially a spouse, to change ?
We believe that people can change. But, in order for a person to make significant changes in their life, they have to want to change for their own reasons and not for you.
We suggest that you concentrate on what you want out of life and don't focus on the faults of the other people in your life. Those perceived "faults" will only be magnified if you do.
We suggest that you concentrate on loving rather than criticism.
If you find that what you want out of life and what the other person wants out of life are so different, then it may be that you can find happiness with someone else. It also may be that if the other person truly understands what your needs are that they can give you what you want. It may also be that there's something better than what you think you want.
Trevor in "Paying It Forward" had to let go of outcomes and things working out in his life exactly the way he wanted them. While we can hold an image of what we want in our relationships, we can let go of our expectations of others and act from a place of kindness and love.
It may sound impossible but it does work and we suggest that you give it a try.
Comments
Uh once a cheater, always a cheater. Let her have him…it is just a matter of time before he cheats on her too. I believe they call that karma.
Posted by: Cheating Spouse | May 17, 2010 11:18 AM
My girlfriend of a year asks me for advice but I have noticed that she would than ask her dad the same advice question as if my answer was not good enough or making sure that I am right. She does not think this or say this aloud but this is what I feel. I'm I wrong to feel this way?
Posted by: chris apodaca | March 25, 2011 04:56 AM