Love and Relationship Advice Blog

One of the questions about relationships that many people struggle with is this--

"Can you have passion, love and connection in one relationship?"

Some people say yes and some say no.

With most relationships and marriages, here's what we find...

--There might be friendship or compatibility with a partner but no passion.

--There might be a feeling of being taken care of or taking care of someone physically, emotionally, or financially but that's as far as the connection goes.

--There might be passion at times and very little or no connection otherwise.

--There might be a deep feeling of love between the two people but they seem to be going in different directions much of the time with no real passion or connection.

So the question remains--Can you have it all?

Can you have Love, Passion AND Connection in one relationship?

Our answer is an unequivocal YES--with this caveat...

Passion, love and connection are certainly possible in one relationship but there can be and usually is an ebb and flow to it.

When the two of us lose passion for each other or our connection (love seems to always be there between us), we are committed to getting back what seems to have faded as soon as possible.

From the beginning of our relationship, we committed to each other that our relationship would be made up of all three--love, passion and connection, as well as deep friendship. We didn't experience this in our previous relationships and we decided that the pain of not having all three was greater than what it takes to have all three.

This commitment is so strong between us that we do whatever we need to do to move out of disconnection to connection --which re-ignites our passion.

So if it's possible to have it all, how do you do it?

Here are some of our ideas and what works in our lives...

1. Believe that you can have all three in one relationship. Most of us have not seen this in relationships, especially in our parents' relationship. We might have gotten the idea or even been told that you have to "settle" for one or the other.

Now, we certainly don't think anything's wrong with a relationship that is based on friendship and connection, with no passion--if that's what both people want. The problem comes in when one person feels an emptiness and wants more.

So belief that it is possible and that you can have it is where you start. When you find that you are talking to yourself in a negative way about the possibility, change your thoughts to what's really possible for you.

2. If both of you are open to a discussion about what each of you wants in the relationship, that's a good, honest place to start. Decide what you are both committed to having and what you're going to do to move toward having it.

If you need better communication between the two of you, learn some tips and practice them. We've written a lot about communication on our web sites. The trick is to practice what will bring you closer to what you want.

If you aren't currently in a relationship, decide what you are committed to having for your experience in your next relationship and then watch for positive signs in a new partner. If you are committed to having what you want, you will be able to spot what you don't want pretty quickly and then break old patterns that no longer serve you.

3. If you are currently in a relationship and one of these elements is missing or you just want more, begin by acting from that place within yourself. If you want more passion, figure out what passion means to you (and hopefully your partner) and then do more of it. Passion means different things to different people so be clear about what it means to you.

The same thing goes for connection and love. What do connection and love mean to you and how can you connect more with the people in your life?

If you're not currently in a relationship, bring more of what you are wanting into your life. Find something to be passionate about and find ways to connect with and love others more.

Know that life is full of choices. Just make sure that you are living or are moving toward living yours.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If your life is crazy, you seem to never get it all done and you find yourself becoming "short" with the people you love, you may need to revitalize and rejuvenate yourself, spending some time investing in you. Susie has found that one of the best ways to do this (and be kinder and more loving to the people in her life) is to develop a regular meditation practice--a time when she can get in touch with "her" and revitalize.

We know that you might be thinking "I don't have time for that" or "Meditation is just too weird for me" but we invite you to read on for some really practical tips on how to get started to feeling better and being more loving.

Many people know the benefits to having a regular time to meditate each day but simply don't do it. Some belief gets in the way of them actually meditating on a regular basis.

Some big beliefs that keep people from meditating are...
1. Don't have the time or the privacy
2. Don't know how
3. Don't feel the benefits when I do it
4. Can't sit still
5. Can't still my mind when I do sit down to do it

And there are many more beliefs that keep people from meditating.

So what would be a stronger reason to meditate than to not do it?

It's pretty simple for Susie.

It just makes her feel better--physically, mentally and emotionally--and because she feels more "centered," she's kinder to the people in her life.

Here are some pointers if you want to start doing some sort of meditating every day...

1. Choose a time during the day when you feel a drop in your energy level and a time that works with your schedule. Susie usually starts feeling a drop in energy around 4:30pm each day so that is a perfect time for her to do a meditating "pick-me-up." Other people find that the first thing in the morning or right before they go to bed works for them.

2. If you aren't used to meditating, start small. Start by taking 15 minutes and calling it your investment time in yourself. Find a quiet place (if you can't find one, create one) and tell everyone that you don't want to be disturbed during this time. Use an ordinary kitchen timer to monitor your time for you.

Remember how the flight attendants tell you in case of emergency to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others with theirs? If you take some time each day to renew you, you will be better with others. Take our word for it--we've seen it in action many, many times.

3. Meditation doesn't have to be sitting in one spot, in a lotus position and not moving. You can develop a moving meditation practice as long as you are allowing your mind to clear from your thoughts and worries. Otto goes out to a spot in nature that he loves and either walks or sits there. To an observer, what he's doing may not look like meditation but he always comes back renewed. So experiment and find a way that works for you. Susie usually sits for her meditation time but in a chair with both feet on the floor or sometimes even in bed.

4. Don't expect to be perfect at clearing the thoughts from your mind. As the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron has said in her books and audios, she's been meditating for over 30 years and even she has trouble clearing her mind of thoughts for more than a few seconds at times. So forget perfection and just go for allowing the thoughts, beliefs and ideas that you are holding in your body to relax their grip on you.

After a few minutes of just sitting, breathing and moving her attention into the center of her body, Susie feels her body relaxing. She's always surprised to observe that she had been holding tension that she hadn't been aware of.

So if you've never tried meditation (or maybe you have many times) and the word might even conjure up negativity in your mind, shift it to your time of renewal and the time that you are investing in you--to help you become
a better person.

We wish you much joy and happiness this week and hope these tips help you feel better in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Are you minding your own business instead of someone else's?

We're all the time trying to change people andmake others the way we want them to be. When we do this , it's pure arrogance to believe that we know what's best for anyone else.

We've all said things like this about someone else in our lives--"Why can't he pick up his socks?" or "Why doesn't she take better care of herself?"

When we ask those questions, even in our minds, we are in someone else's business and this is where a lot of our "stress" comes from.

One of our favorite books is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. She talks about 3 kinds of business in the Universe: Mine, yours and God's.

She says, "If I'm in your business, I'm wanting you to be different from what you are. If I'm worried about earthquakes, floods, or storms and complaining about the weather, I'm in God's business and concerned about things that are beyond my control."

Byron Katie asks a very good question--"If you are living your life and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine?" If you are focusing on someone else, you are not being present with your own self.

After Susie's previous husband of 30 years left their marriage, she found herself focusing on him and what he was doing with his life. She worried about him and constantly talked about him with her family and friends. When she finally shifted her focus to her life instead of her previous husband's, she started to live the life that she wanted.

If you find that you are "living" someone else's life by worrying about them or wishing they would act in a different way, stop yourself and shift your attention to your life. This is not selfishness! This is loving them where they are and loving you.

We know what the next question might be--How can you help others if you are focused on your life instead of the lives of other people? We're not suggesting that you go through life oblivious to other people, especially people who are in need. But what we have found is that if you are focused on your life and your personal growth, you actually come to the service of others from a more whole and complete place--the place of love.

This is what we've found that soulmates and couples who have long-standing wondrous relationships do--
They spend their time loving unconditionally instead of trying to change the other person.

Worry is not healthy, despite what our mothers or our culture might have taught us. Worry is also not love.

So this week, we encourage you to become more aware of when you are focusing on how you think the other people in your life should act, believe and think. When you find yourself judging others or worrying about them, try to remember to bring yourself back to the present moment and to focus on your life instead of someone else's.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

People write to us everyday--upset that their partner or spouse isn't who they want them to be. They suggest that if only he or she would only do this or that, or be like this or that then everything would be just fine. They even say, "I've tried everything to get them to change--and nothing's worked."

We agree that change is difficult and the bottom line is that you cannot change someone else. You can only change yourself. We've certainly had our moments of trying to change each other and other members of our family to fit in with what we want and we've learned a few things in the process.

A movie that is several years old impacted us greatly is called "Pay it Forward." If you haven't seen it, we recommend that you rent it.

The major premise of the film is that 11 year old Trevor wanted to change three people's lives for the better and they would in turn change three other people's lives. What he found out was that he couldn't change people the way he wanted them to change. But, he did impact their lives in ways he didn't realize.

Trevor tried to help Jerry, the vagrant drug addict, but Jerry just couldn't seem to kick the habit. Trevor thought he failed but his impact on Jerry was even greater than he thought. Because of Trevor's initial act of kindness, Jerry was able to ask for help from a person in the most unlikely of circumstances and take a step forward in healing himself.

Because of Trevor's example of unconditional love and kindness, his mother was able to extend forgiveness
and unconditional love to Trevor's grandmother who was an alcoholic living on the streets. No, the grandmother didn't kick her habit but she was able to take a tiny step forward.

What we are saying is, that no matter how we want someone else to be, they may change (or they may not), but not necessarily the way we want them to.

So, what do we suggest to the person who wants another, especially a spouse, to change ?

We believe that people can change. But, in order for a person to make significant changes in their life, they have to want to change for their own reasons and not for you.

We suggest that you concentrate on what you want out of life and don't focus on the faults of the other people in your life. Those perceived "faults" will only be magnified if you do.

We suggest that you concentrate on loving rather than criticism.

If you find that what you want out of life and what the other person wants out of life are so different, then it may be that you can find happiness with someone else. It also may be that if the other person truly understands what your needs are that they can give you what you want. It may also be that there's something better than what you think you want.

Trevor in "Paying It Forward" had to let go of outcomes and things working out in his life exactly the way he wanted them. While we can hold an image of what we want in our relationships, we can let go of our expectations of others and act from a place of kindness and love.

It may sound impossible but it does work and we suggest that you give it a try.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of our coaching clients just got back from a vacation to Ireland and had a few "ah-ha's" that we'd like to pass along to you which we think can help you create more love, passion and connection in your relationships and your life (if you read this with an open mind and heart.)

This coaching client discovered that he actually relaxed when he was on his trip--which was unusual for him because of his demanding job and his somewhat disconnected relationship with his family. He felt "free" when he was in Ireland and had an excitement for life that he hadn't had in a long time.

What he realized was that he wanted to keep those good feelings that he had during his vacation. He didn't want to climb back into his "armour," as he put it, when he went back to his job and continued his "normal" life.

In a nut shell, he didn't want to go back to the way things were before his vacation--his feelings of separateness, anxiety and feeling like he had to control everything in his life.

The lesson from our coaching client and his vacation is that it is our job is to take those good feelings and relaxed frame of mind and heart into every aspect of our lives and live that way as much of the time as possible AFTER vacation and not just while on vacation.

When we do this, we'll literally be able to attract more of what we want and less of what we don't want into our relationships and lives-- but this isn't always easy.

If you have had similar feelings of getting a glimpse of how your life and relationships can be different and better but find that you've slipped back into the patterns of your past that have kept you stuck--here are some suggestions that may be helpful if you want to break out.

1. Acknowledge what it is that you want. Our client had a glimpse of how it felt to really and truly relax trying to control everyone and every thing and he liked it. Having a vision of "this is the feeling that I want" is a first step to having more of it.

2. Create the possibility within yourself that you can move toward having more of what you want. When you find that you are telling yourself that whatever it is that you want isn't possible, change your thoughts.

One way we like to do that is by revisiting in our minds places where we have felt happy, joyful or really relaxed. It might be floating in the ocean, cruising on a catamaran or enjoying a good baseball game. When we re-create good feelings within ourselves, even from the memory of a past experience, we find that we feel more positive in the present moment and are more open to possibilities and more love.

3. Take one step toward moving from your habits and patterns that keep you in whatever you don't want. Our client decided to be more open to collaborating with a colleague at work. He saw how he tends to try to control every situation with this colleague (and many others) and that attempt at control keeps him very anxious at his work, as well as at home.

By deciding to open to changing his approach in his mind from control to collaboration--starting with his colleague--our client has begun to ease the stress in his life and move toward the feelings that he had when he was on vacation in Ireland.

Is it possible to carry relaxed, joyful, loving feelings that we've felt at certain times into our daily lives?

Yes, it most definitely is possible.

Summer is a time when many of us go through our lives a little slower and take time to relax a little more. A vacation is usually a great way to break out of your normal routine, enjoy some different experiences and even relax. We might even catch a glimpse of how we'd like to be more in our lives.

We've found that when we allow ourselves to relax and not allow the pressures of our normal routine to build walls between us, we are closer, kinder and more open toward each other and other people.

What we've found is that it's normal for upsets or periods of stress to come and go in our lives. What also can be "normal" is for us all to come back to feelings of peace, relaxation, love, joy or whatever else it is that we want
to experience.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In this day of almost disposable relationships, a question on the minds of many singles and couples is how to create a relationship that will last and one that will keep its vibrancy throughout the years.

We're taking ballroom dancing lessons with another couple Sam and Rosie, who have been Otto's friends for many years. They have been married for 24 years and by spending a lot of time with them, we were able to get a glimpse of the reasons they still have such a good marriage.

Several things became very apparent to us as we had dinner together after our lesson...

1. They were good friends

2. They enjoyed being together

3. Their marriage was still passionate

And perhaps most importantly...

4. Although they are very different people, enjoy very different things and have very different ideas about some things, they do not make each other wrong for having those differences.

As Relationship coaches, one of the biggest obstaclesto creating a lasting relationship that is filled with passion, life and love is that the two people make each other wrong for being different.

Last night, when Sam talked about his love for basketball and playing in organized street basketball tournaments, he did not make Rosie wrong when she said that she liked to spend the time doing her own thing when he played.

Now we're all for supporting each other and it can be very important in a relationship. What we're saying is to not make the other person wrong for being different and wanting different things than you want.

We heard them talk and laugh about their different styles of packing before a trip. Sam packs several days before the trip and Rosie packs during the last few minutes before they leave.

This difference would really be a bone of contention for many couples but not for Sam and Rosie. They just laughed about it when they described what usually happens before a trip.

In our own lives, the two of us are very different. One thing that we've recognized is that in order to keep our passion and love alive, we had to learn to honor each other, even if our differences tended to drive us crazy.

What we've discovered is that by honoring and appreciating each other's differences, we've actually come closer together in enjoying similar activities.

Susie watches and even enjoys Cincinnati Reds baseball with Otto now and that certainly wasn't the case a couple of years ago. And of course, Otto's learning to dance which Susie absolutely loves!

So what we've learned from our own lives and from the lives of our friends is to honor, laugh about and enjoy your differences if you want to create a long, lasting, passionate relationship that has continued and on-going life.

We invite you to notice the differences that are not only apparent if you are in an intimate relationship or in any other relationship that you care about.

You might ask yourself how you can begin to appreciate, laugh about and enjoy those differences. If you do, we know that you will experience much more joy and happiness in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)