Marriage Advice When You've Grown Apart
One of the issues that many people are facing in their lives and showed up several times in our recent survey of our email newsletter list when we asked —“What’s the biggest question you have about how to create more love, passion and connection in your relationship and your life?"—was the problem of growing apart over the years and what to do about it.
Here’s what one person asked and the questions are certainly ones that we hear frequently from couples in relationships that have lasted many years…
“What do you do once you have already started to 'grow apart' after many years together and several kids? Can the closeness be restored and if so how?”
Here's our answer...
First of all, most of us haven’t been taught how to keep a great relationship close, growing and alive over a number of years. We have usually seen examples of two people living together for many years, possibly as friends (or not even as friends), but the passion and closeness has gone out of their relationship. They may live very easily together—or they may not—but they don’t seem to have anything in common any more. The romance and passion that was once there seems to have evaporated over the years.
Yes, this is something that many people experience and yes, closeness can be restored.
We’re often asked, “Okay, if closeness can be restored, where do we start?”
You start by not dancing around or ignoring the issue any longer.
Approach the subject with a strong desire and with the intention to begin learning how to connect again and not from a place of blame, lack or being a victim.
What do you want your relationship to look like? Is your partner happy with the way it is or does your partner want some changes?
Here’s the trick…
When you have this conversation, you need to not only be brave enough to say what you’d like your relationship to look and feel like but even more importantly, you have to be able to listen and not get defensive about what your partner has to say.
Several years ago, we had a talk about what would bring us even closer. Along with our commitment to each other to spend the first hour after we wake up each day, connecting with each other, making love, and appreciating one another, Otto was willing to say what he wanted.
He told Susie that he would like her to wear something more feminine than sweat pants to work in the home office that we share. After dressing up every day for 30 years before retiring from her university job, Susie enjoyed being comfortable and wearing sweat pants to her “new” job.
When Otto mentioned his request, she didn’t get defensive but searched within herself whether this was a request that she was willing and wanted to do. She actually discovered that flowing skirts were comfortable, inexpensive and she liked wearing them. She felt more feminine in them and the “spark” between us kept going even when we were at work.
We tell you this story to illustrate how, in simple ways, you can begin to become closer and even more passionate if you are willing to talk and listen to each other—and be open to making some changes in your life.
You may need to schedule some time together every day and begin to look at your life and your priorities so that you have time to spend together.
We urge you to start now to discover new ways to be together and recapture what once may have been between you. In many cases, it’s not too late but you never know until you explore the possibilities together.
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Comments
my wife says we have grown apart. been together for 23 yrs three children. Says she is uphappy. She tells me its not me making her unhappy but she is. I told her I would do anything to make her happy. She is my life, my true love,if I lose her I dont know what I would do with myself. What can I do?
Posted by: david | January 30, 2010 04:32 PM
David, this happens in a lot of marriages as the years go by. You can suggest coaching or therapy--either together or just for her to help the two of you sort out what you want now. She may not know what she wants and she may need some help figuring it out. Sounds like the two of you need to revitalize your relationship in some new ways. Ask her if she's willing to explore what this might look like. Keep loving her and stay open to making some changes.
Posted by: Susie | February 2, 2010 11:19 AM
Hi,
Monday was the beginning of the most difficult week of my life. My wife had been acting funny for about a week. I had tried discussing things with her several times, and finally I got my answer. After six years she was considering a trial separation. We talked it over, and it turns out she feels that we have grown apart. I can say that I'm not 100% surprised. I am a home body, and she enjoys going out. Since I don’t enjoy going out and we don’t have kids, I thought allowing her to do so was the right thing to do. She only went out one or two nights a week and I considered it her free time. After all I enjoyed my time alone on those nights and thought it was healthy for us.
Somewhere along the way I found myself looking forward to her going out, and I guess she found herself doing the same. I still love her, and I know she’s telling the truth when she says she still loves me. We just got into this rut that caused us to neglect our marriage. Regardless, after many discussions this week we decided to work on us. So, all week we planned and did things together. It was great, I started feeling like we were turning this bad situation into a learning and growing experience. Then, Friday night she went to see one of her girlfriends that was injured in a rock climbing accident. I was invited, but declined because I was on call for work. I didn't ask her to be home at a certain time, but she said she would be home by ten. At ten she called and said that she was leaving that friends house and stopping by her best friend’s house. She got home at 4AM. I know she went there, but have no way of knowing what’s going on. I don’t think she’s cheating or lying about where she was. Today we were supposed to go to a concert, but it looked like rain, and WE decided not to go. Then, she decides to go out again tonight. I asked if she wanted me to go, but she said it was a group of eight women and they were going dancing. I heard her discussing the plans with several friends. So, I'm sure that is the truth, but I'm starting to think she’s already made up her mind. Is it possible she just needs some space, or should I go ahead and plan for the worse? I want to make it work, and for most of the week she seemed as excited about it as me. I obsessed about this most of the week, and I asked a lot of questions and did a lot of talking. Today, she said she was tired of worrying and talking about it. I plan to let it ride for a day or two, and suggest counseling. Is this the right thing to do?
Posted by: matthew | September 11, 2010 11:25 PM
Matthew, it seems like a really good step for you to suggest counseling--and I would suggest that you take the lead and suggest dates with her. The two of you have gone your separate ways to an extreme. While it's good to have your personal space in a marriage, it's also good to have a healthy balance of together-time where you really connect--otherwise you lose your relationship. Seems like you've given her a lot of "space" and if you really want this relationship, it's time for you to step up and be proactive about setting up together-time.
My husband, Otto, has a great website where you can sign up for his free newsletter at http://www.lightherup.com
He gives men great advice about how to light up your wife and may be able to help you.
My best to you, Susie
Posted by: Susie | September 15, 2010 03:17 PM
Hi I have a question . My boyfriend and I we been together almost 6 years and we had a daughter already but we not marry not and pass few month he said he want to go on a break tell me to move withy parent when they get the house so he can think and space from me . And he said he do love but he don't know he want to staying with me and he said we are growing apart . What should I do?
Posted by: Cindy | June 8, 2011 04:37 PM