Love and Relationship Advice Blog

One of the most-asked questions that we received during our recent survey of our newsletter list when we asked the question-"What's the biggest question you have about how to create more love, passion and connection in your
relationship and your life?"-was around the issue of trust.

People wanted to know how to simply relax, enjoy and trust their partner without being threatened and insecure.

One person said it this way...

"How is it possible to believe in and trust your mate when there is so much betrayal, lying and cheating in society?
Even when your mate hasn't done anything to arouse suspicions...most magazines, talk shows and other people
have such awful stories that it makes people such as myself wonder if being part of a couple is even a good idea."

Here are our thoughts on this subject...

This certainly is a good question and one that many people face whether they outwardly show their concern or keep it inside and to themselves.

Our answer is to make a conscious decision to begin to reframe your beliefs about what is possible in YOUR life and what you want for your experience.

From the beginning of time, there have been unhappy, mistrusting people and there have been people who have
been secure in themselves and happy with their lives. This is our choice every day and in every moment.

We can choose to focus on all the stories (and there are a lot of them) of break up, despair, cheating, lying and
betrayal-or we can choose to spend our time focused on more positive things that uplift us.

You may be reading this and saying that this is easy for us to say but we're here to tell you that this is one of the most important things we have done to relax, trust and enjoy one another.

We focus on what brings us joy and not on what pulls us down.

If you are focusing on what is making news and the sensational stories on television, stop and focus on what brings you joy in your life. If your partner isn't doing anything to cause the mistrust or uneasiness that you feel, it is your opportunity to start now to change your thoughts and your beliefs about your life.

If you are mistrusting and your mate or others are doing nothing to deserve this mistrust, somewhere within you is a limiting belief that betrayal is what you will have for your life experience.

A belief is just a thought that you've been thinking over and over and can be changed.

Here's what we do when a limiting belief comes into our thoughts...

We change it to a thought that is more in alignment with what we want.

Here's an example...

Let's say that you are with a group of people and there's a very beautiful woman or a very handsome man who you just know that your mate will be attracted to. Your mate may or may not actually do anything but you just know that the attraction is there between the two of them--and that's what you focus on.

At the moment you realize that you are thinking that thought, breathe and change your thought to a more empowering one that you can believe and say it to yourself over and over. You might tell yourself that you are okay no matter what happens, that your mate truly loves you and how much you appreciate him or her, or even shift your attention to appreciating the beauty of this person and find someone interesting to talk with.

Now we're not going to kid you--this process takes work and you have to be aware of the chatter in your head and be willing to hold the belief that you can change it. But it does work!

What if you feel that your mate (or anyone) is actually betraying you?

Don't keep your head in the sand, so to speak, and decide what you want in your life and what you are willing to "put up with." Focus on what you want but state your boundaries in the relationship. Be willing to stand by what you want for your life experience. If you don't, no one else will.

Whether your mate or anyone is doing nothing to deserve mistrust or he/she is--your choice is to begin focusing on possibilities for your life and what you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the issues that many people are facing in their lives and showed up several times in our recent survey of our email newsletter list when we asked —“What’s the biggest question you have about how to create more love, passion and connection in your relationship and your life?"—was the problem of growing apart over the years and what to do about it.

Here’s what one person asked and the questions are certainly ones that we hear frequently from couples in relationships that have lasted many years…

“What do you do once you have already started to 'grow apart' after many years together and several kids? Can the closeness be restored and if so how?”

Here's our answer...

First of all, most of us haven’t been taught how to keep a great relationship close, growing and alive over a number of years. We have usually seen examples of two people living together for many years, possibly as friends (or not even as friends), but the passion and closeness has gone out of their relationship. They may live very easily together—or they may not—but they don’t seem to have anything in common any more. The romance and passion that was once there seems to have evaporated over the years.

Yes, this is something that many people experience and yes, closeness can be restored.

We’re often asked, “Okay, if closeness can be restored, where do we start?”

You start by not dancing around or ignoring the issue any longer.

Approach the subject with a strong desire and with the intention to begin learning how to connect again and not from a place of blame, lack or being a victim.

What do you want your relationship to look like? Is your partner happy with the way it is or does your partner want some changes?

Here’s the trick…

When you have this conversation, you need to not only be brave enough to say what you’d like your relationship to look and feel like but even more importantly, you have to be able to listen and not get defensive about what your partner has to say.

Several years ago, we had a talk about what would bring us even closer. Along with our commitment to each other to spend the first hour after we wake up each day, connecting with each other, making love, and appreciating one another, Otto was willing to say what he wanted.

He told Susie that he would like her to wear something more feminine than sweat pants to work in the home office that we share. After dressing up every day for 30 years before retiring from her university job, Susie enjoyed being comfortable and wearing sweat pants to her “new” job.

When Otto mentioned his request, she didn’t get defensive but searched within herself whether this was a request that she was willing and wanted to do. She actually discovered that flowing skirts were comfortable, inexpensive and she liked wearing them. She felt more feminine in them and the “spark” between us kept going even when we were at work.

We tell you this story to illustrate how, in simple ways, you can begin to become closer and even more passionate if you are willing to talk and listen to each other—and be open to making some changes in your life.

You may need to schedule some time together every day and begin to look at your life and your priorities so that you have time to spend together.

We urge you to start now to discover new ways to be together and recapture what once may have been between you. In many cases, it’s not too late but you never know until you explore the possibilities together.

If you'd like to get our free weekly email relationship newsletter, fill out the form on the right side of this page.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A couple of weeks ago, we ran across a wonderful dvd that we wanted to share with you. It's called "The Secret" and stars some of the best-known metaphysical teachers and leaders today, including Joe Vitale, author of "The Attractor Factor" who we've had the pleasure of meeting.

In this dvd, these teachers very clearly show how this "secret" has played out in their lives to help them to create the wealth, relationships, health and happiness that they wanted.

So, what is this secret?

We don't think we're giving anything away if we tell you that it is the law of attraction. "The Secret" gives you concrete ideas how you can attract what you want into your life.

Since we were so impacted by this movie, we bought copies for several members of our family. Here's a great story about how Susie's grandson and his family used the information in "The Secret" to attract what they wanted.

Susie's grandson who is 11 years old wanted a laptop. He has been looking in the Dell catalog at laptops for several months, but the prospect of actually having one seemed pretty remote. His parents had always told him that laptops were too expensive and that he couldn't have one right now.

They all watched "The Secret" a few days ago and when Susie's grandson mentioned to them again that he wanted a laptop, instead of his usual response that they were too expensive, his father told him to keep visualizing what he wanted. He told him to actually see the laptop in his room and see himself using it.

The next day, unaware of the changes that had occurred as a result of watching "The Secret," we decided to replace one of our computers and to give Susie's grandson our older laptop.

Coincidence?

Some would say that it is but Susie's grandson and his parents know that it isn't.

They all created a positive feeling around the idea that Susie's grandson could create what he wanted and he visualized what he wanted with the wonderful enthusiasm of an 11 year old. He knew exactly where he would put it in his room and what he was going to use it for.

What had been missing before "The Secret" was the belief that he could have it and when he heard his father's positive words and felt the energy shift, he attracted what he wanted into his life.

We are watching segments of it every week to remind us of what we already know but somehow choose to forget from time to time.

We invite you to start creating what you want in your life--perfect health, great relationships, material things, meaningful work for which you are richly paid--beginning right now.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As Relationship coaches and authors of "How to Heal Your Broken Heart," we wanted to check out the new film "Break-Up" as soon as we could. As we were walking out of the movie, we and others around us wondered why we paid the money to watch two celebrities we liked argue and fight--and argue and fight. Apparently, we weren't alone in our assessment of this film.

Although we know that the purpose of this film was to be a comedy (and it was funny in places), there is so much more that could have happened to actually help people who are experiencing or have experienced a break up in their own lives.

Here are some of our ideas of how you can deal with a break up without so much pain...

1. Stop the games and tell the truth!

In the film, Jen's character tried every trick she knew to get Vince's character back without trying the most direct and most important way--telling her truth. If you are going through a break up right now, stop your game-playing and take some time to discover what is truly in your heart. Then share it honestly with your partner--or perhaps soon-to-be ex.

In relationships, people often say and do what they think the other person wants to hear and see rather than what is truly in their hearts. For a healthy relationship (or even a healthy break up), cut the game-playing--don't listen to bad advice from friends who encourage it--and level about how you are feeling.

2. Admit your part in what went wrong

In the film, the only thing Jen's character admitted that she could have done better in the relationship was to allow Vince's character to get a pool table. In our experience, it always takes two to create a good relationship and two to break one up. Even though it doesn't look like you have done anything to cause the break up, look at what you might have done better in the relationship. Even if it's too late for this relationship to be repaired, if you look at what you could have done better in this relationship, you can work on not repeating the same thing in your next relationship. It will only help you create what you want if you take some time to discover what went wrong on your part.

3. Forget trying to change the other person to make them something they aren't

I know it seems that we're picking on Jen's character, but we're just pointing out what we've learned. Now don't get us wrong--people do change. But they rarely change their entire character when they do--and Jen's character seemed to want a "different" Vince than who he truly was.

Vince's character loved sports, video games and drinking beer. Jen's character on the other hand loved opera, a clean house, and elegant entertaining. While these types of differences are certainly what people find themselves dealing with, if the two of them are to make a go of their relationship, both people have to quit expecting the other to be like them. Jen's character wanted Vince's character to take her to the opera and while he definitely could have given it a try, that wasn't him. Jen on the other hand went to sporting events with him and felt like she was getting short-changed.

Here's the rub--she was getting short-changed but her expectations and unwillingness to sit down and talk about what was going on without blaming him helped to "deep six" the relationship.

Our advice is to talk about your differences and talk about what you are both willing to do to meet in the middle. Some things may be negotiable and some not. Be patient if you truly love the other person and love them for who they are. We all can change for the better and thinking that the other person's ways are wrong closes the door to creating a healthy relationship.

We do not recommend seeing this movie but we do recommend doing what you can do right now to create great relationships.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Many marriages get stale after awhile, often from lack of attention and the intention to keep connecting on a regular basis. Lately, we've both been thinking about ways that we could experience the gifts of connecting even more than we do already.

With that in mind, here's what Otto said that not only shocked Susie but some of our closest friends as well...

He said-- "I'm finally ready (and willing) to take dancing lessons!"

Well after a few calls back and forth with the dance studio to set things up, last night, we took our first ballroom dancing lesson. Because Otto has never had a formal dancing lesson and considers himself "rhythmically challenged," this lesson was a big leap for him.

As we tried out the fundamental steps of the rumba, tango and fox trot just to get our feet and bodies moving, the dance instructor gave us two suggestions...

The first suggestion was to take smaller steps and the second suggestion was to keep moving with the new pattern.

Being the relationship coaches that we are, we couldn't help but compare these two suggestions about dancing to ways to improve marriages and relationships.

Confused?

Well here's our take on these dancing suggestions as they pertain to marriages and relationships...

We'll talk about the "taking smaller steps" idea first.

We take small steps to make our marriage better every day and help others to see how they can do it too in their lives.

A small step for one married couple we once worked with in our coaching practice was to make the commitment to eat breakfast together every day as their special connecting time--without the kids--because
they realized that they had grown apart over the years.

Now, they may or may not have considered this to be a small step because it involved being committed to doing it every day and changing their old routines.

The point is that they took a step toward connecting with each other and rekindling their love for each other instead of allowing their relationship to die a slow death because of inattention.

So what would make your relationships better, closer and more connected?

What one small step can you take, no matter what type of relationships that you have currently in your life, to create more peace, more love, more connection or whatever it is that you want?

Do you need to be more honest about what you're feeling? Do you need to open more to listening to what another has to say, without judging? Do you need to make more time for the important people in your life?

Take some time to answer those questions and then take that one step.

The second "dancing" suggestion that we were told was to keep moving, not stopping at one particular foot sequence but to keep repeating it.

How does that pertain to your marriage or relationships?

When you've taken your first step toward creating a better marriage or relationship, keep doing it over and over.

Sounds simple? It usually isn't.

It's been said that for anything to become a habit, it takes at least 21 days of doing it over and over. You have to understand that what you've been doing in your life that keeps you from having great relationships is probably a habit and it's takes time to change those habits.

You might have the habit of keeping so busy and filling your life with things that you have to do that you neglect the people you love. You might rationalize and tell yourself that all these things that you are doing are really important and that you are the one who has to do them.

If this describes your life, only you can decide whether you want to keep doing those "things" or to let some of them go and start spending some time connecting and even having fun with those you love.

The point is to free up some time in your life so that you can begin creating some habits--things that you do over and over--that will bring you closer to each other.

Next week we have our next dancing lesson and even if we don't remember the exact steps we were shown, we will remember to take small steps and to keep moving.

We hope you also remember and apply the suggestions that we were given. We think they make great advice for marriages as well as dancing.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)