Separation--Is it time to leave?
Since we've written the book "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" , we get quite a few questions from people who are trying to make that decision. Here's one woman's story and her question which is one that people who have found themselves in similar situations ask...
"I have been in a relationship with someone who I really love for 6 years. Although it has been one sided as support goes. We were so happy to have found each other at first, until I got pregnant, with protection. He tried every way to get me to have an abortion, but from being through it with a friend, could not, and just trusted God to do what was best. Thus, I had a miscarriage. He was cold and distant all through this time and I suffered the miscarriage alone. But I still loved him and tried to forgive and forget.
"I have been the pillar of support for him all this time. Along with other family problems, I feel overwhelmed. He has since moved and is being very distant and verbally and mentally abusive to me. I live with my Mother due to her illness and he now lives farther away, which makes it hard for me to just leave when he acts mean to me. I have not talked to him in 3 weeks, as I told him not to call me again until he can treat me right. I know in my heart, I deserve to be treated better after 6 years of being the care giver and supporter. Never once has he been there for me when I needed help. I know the answer you are going to give me: Stay or Go?
"At first I felt angry, then hurt, and now numb, as he has made no attempt to call me and apologize or anything. I now find myself bitter and abusing myself with drinking and drugs, which I didn't use until I met him. I feel helpless because I can't fix this, Me or Us. I just feel in limbo or in the void so to speak. I know I need to fix me first, but I'm afraid. I spent 6 years living my life around him and his problems and health etc. How do I start to deal with this dead end situation. I know I'm dulling the pain by my self abuse. I also feel better by not making a decision to let it go and being in limbo for some strange reason. I do know I have learned alot about myself and what I can endure and the strength I have to go through all I have with him I never new I had. How can I move on with that lesson? "
First of all, I want to congratulate you for making the decision and sticking by it that you deserve to be treated better than you have been treated by this man. I also want to acknowledge that you are looking at what you've learned about yourself through this relationship and that you are wanting to move on with your life.
So you are further along than many people in similar situations who are stuck in feeling sorry for themselves.
With that being said, here are a few of my observations about your situation and some suggestions for moving on with your lesson...
1. Take some time and define what love means to you--and what it's not. You mention that this man did not support you. In your "What love is" column, you could elaborate on what support means to you. In your "What love isn't" column, talk about not being supported. The idea is to be very clear in what love is to you and what it isn't. By doing this, you will know when you see it and when you don't.
2. With your "What love is" list, begin focusing on you and looking for ways to nurture "you." It sounds like you have spent your life ( and create your identity) by "doing" everything for others, without asking for anything for yourself. You need to begin to understand that asking for and receiving help and support from others is not selfish but is essential to being a truly healthy person. So many people ( many women), show their love for others by "doing" for them. While being kind and giving to other people is certainly laudable, it can get you into trouble if you do so much for others that you neglect yourself. These people often end up being care-takers for others and ignore their own needs.
So do something loving for yourself every day. That can be doing one small thing that you want to do to love and nurture yourself. Take a walk in the woods, take a relaxing bath, take an hour and read a book by yourself--something that will help you reconnect with "you."
3. You mention self-abusing yourself with drugs and alcohol. It's good that you recognize that that is what you are doing. Now that you recognize it, get the help you need. Find a group to join in your area that will help you with getting off drugs and alcohol. When someone is trying to deal with an addiction, it takes support. Say "yes" to you and get the support you need. This is so important --that you ask for support by going to a group and participating in it. You haven't gotten the support that you wanted all those years and now is your chance to ask for others to support you.
4. Do not get into another relationship until you have worked on your addiction issues and begin to start learning how to receive love from other. You will simply draw another abusive person to you. Start taking steps to do these things first and a person who will give you the love and support that you want will show up when you have done some healing.
It's never easy to get out of our habitual patterns. It takes making the decision that you want and deserve more out of life. You deserve to be happy.
To this woman who sent in this question and to all people who are in similar circumstances--take the courage and begin to make positive changes in your life. Start learning how to love yourself.
Susie Collins, Relationship Coach
Comments
thank you this was a wonderful positive reading.
Posted by: Amy | August 20, 2007 12:58 PM