Jealousy and Learning to Trust Again
As relationship coaches who have written a lot about jealousy, we've discovered many people who deal with jealousy are actually dealing with the past and not what's going on in the present. Here's a note from a person who is trying to cope with this issue...
"I am 22 and currently in my second real relationship. The first was a disaster from day one. I allowed myself to be manipulated and because I am gullable, she used it to her advantage. She cheated on me several times, which I later discovered a week or two after breaking up with her. Now I am with this girl who makes me feel like the luckiest guy in the world, she really is perfect, however I am plagued with mistrust and severe jealousy. I often accuse her of being unfaithful and I have a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go. I have never been so crazy about a girl before in my life, but my trust issues appear to be ruining what we have. I talk to her about this, and she says she understands, but she is 17 and I am soon to turn 23 and so I feel she doesn't have the life experience that I do. Please offer any advice you can."
Although these are two young people, age seems to have no bearing on how people react in this type of situation. The "jealous" person knows that their current partner is not doing anything to deserve the mistrust that he/she feels. Many, like this person, can also trace it back to a previous partner who left them for someone else and usually cheated on them.
So, what is the advice to someone who know he/she is ruining their current relationship but can't seem to stop?
1. Sign up for our free jealousy mini-course. You'll get some good ideas to start you thinking about what jealousy is doing in your life and some basic ideas to begin to heal it.
2. Constantly bring yourself into the present moment and remind yourself that you are not in your previous relationship and your current partner is not your past partner. When you find yourself thinking about the past, mentally pull your attention into the room where you are now and ask yourself what is your reality now. It might take some practice but certainly worth the effort.
3. Change the "move" that you run in your ming. I made the suggestion to a recent coaching client that she run a different "movie" in her mind everytime she begins to think about what happened in her previous relationship. Instead of seeing her new partner cheating on her in her mind, she ran the "movie" of being at the beach with her new partner and what fun they were having.
In every moment, it's up to you to create your current reality and take responsibility for what's happening here and now. When you dwell on what happened in the past, that's what you will draw to you. If you consciously dwell on what you want for your experience today instead of what you don't want, that's what you will draw to you.
The choice is yours to make!
