Healing After a Breakup: He Moved Out--Now What???
Recently, Kathy wrote to us with a question that many people are living with now or have lived with in the past--how to get over the pain of a relationship breakup.
Here's Kathy's story...
"I am suffering from a broken heart...I have been married to my 2nd husband for almost 7 years. We have a blended family situation with 4 kids...he has 2, I have 2. A situation arose that he can not get past so he and his kids moved out. This is his 2nd time leaving. The first time, I begged and pleaded with him to stay and he did. I have not begged and pleaded this time, at least not like the first time. I believe we could work it out. We have made it through so many very hard times. And, I believe he still loves me and I do still love him. We had finally gotten to a point where things seemed to have settled down and that the hardest times were over. It took 5 years to get to that point, but we had made it. Then, this horrible thing happened. He moved out about 2 mos. ago. I cannot get rid of that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I still cry at the slightest mention of him or thought of him. Very few people know he has moved out because I cannot talk about it, it is too painful. I made a committment to this man and our family. I love him with all my heart and soul. Why is it "his" decision to walk out and how do I get over this feeling of emptiness and lonliness? All the joy is gone from my life. We did **everything** together and now he is gone. I feel lost and alone. If it weren't for my responsibility to my own kids, I would run away, far away....how do I deal with the fact that I still love him, but most likely will lose him forever?"
The crux of Kathy's (and many other) question is twofold: "How do I get over the emptiness and lonliness and how do I deal with the fact that I still love him?"
Here are a few suggestions from our recent book "How to Heal Your Broken Heart"...
1. It sounds like Kathy has isolated herself from others because of embarassment or any number of reasons. We suggest that anyone who has gone through a breakup find a support group--whether it's a friend who will be supportive but not let you stay in victim mode or a group at your local Crisis Center or church. Find someone or a group of someones to support you right now, even if it's just to have dinner out once a week or go to a movie. Isolation will perpetuate the lonliness and emptiness that you feel right now from the breakup so find some way to connect with someone.
2. Discover whether your relationship is truly over or not. Try counseling if you haven't already. If he won't go to counseling, take some time and discover what went wrong with the relationship and how you both could change to make it better. Take some time to figure out what you want your relationship to be like. If he's willing to talk with you and is open to listening, talk about the changes you are willing to make to keep your relationship together and make it better. If you don't know how to make those changes and he's willing to try again, get help. Don't just keep doing what you've done in the past because it hasn't worked up until now. If he's not willing, then the two of you need to decide what your next step is.
3. Do some things for you. It's important to learn what you do not want to repeat in this relationship or other relationships in the future but it's also important to discover yourself again. It sounds like you have put your whole life in the hands of this man. Discover who you are again. What things did you used to love to do that you no longer do? What things did you always wish you could do or learn? Start creating your life the way you want it.
4. Even though you may still love your husband, who you think he is or what you thought your life together was--the fact is that this relationship is more than likely changing form. If this relationship is truly over, and you have to discover whether it is or not, it's up to you to do whatever you can to transmute the love you have for him to whatever form is acceptable to both of you right now--whether that is being a friend or little or no communication. You can appreciate your past but know that it is in your past now. Again, taking responsibility for creating your life means letting the past go--keeping it as cherished memories but not allowing those memories to keep you from creating your now and your future. Start some forgiveness work for yourself and your husband. We recommend the book "Radical Forgiveness" to get you moving in that direction. When you begin actively working on yourself and your future, your love for your husband will transform itself.
This breakup is a wake up call for you to make some changes in your life. Now is the time for you to start getting to know you and start creating your future for you and your children.
There is a tendency when someone has experienced a breakup to dissolve into being a victim and into their despair. We suggest that you take the courage and start being an active participant in your life.
