We received this question from a visitor and thought it was a great question,one that many people live with after a breakup with someone who is married...

"I have a broken heart. Problem is I was seeing this person for almost a year. He was madly in love with me. (or so he said) He was married. I didn't find out until I was already deeply in love. I lost so much when my family found out. And he walked back to his perfect life and never looked back. I want so desparetly to let his wife know... Is this wrong?"

In answering this woman's question, we would suggest a couple of ideas for her to consider, as well as anyone who is in a similar situation.

1. What would be your motivation for telling this man's wife?
--Do you want this man's wife to hurt as much as you hurt right now?
--Do you want to pay this man back for hurting you so much?
--Do you think that you will hurt less if you tell this man's wife about your affair?
--Are you hoping that by telling her about the affair, she'll leave him and he'll come back to you?
--Do you just plain want revenge?
Be honest with yourself and figure out what thought is motivating you to do this and what you hope to gain by doing it.

2. After your motivation is clear, ask yourself if you will better be able to let the past go and move on with your life if you tell this man's wife or if you learn from what happened and heal your pain. From our experience, revenge doesn't heal your pain and allow you to move on. It simply ties you more to your past.

3. Although you are in a great deal of pain, before you would tell this man's wife about your affair, take some time and discover what lessons you've learned from this man and from being in this relationship. Are there are some ways that you've grown by loving this person, even though he chose not to continue your relationship? Are there some things that you've learned about yourself that you didn't know before being in a relationship with this man?
Are there some things you've learned about what you want and don't want in an intimate relationship? How are you wiser now?

You see, we believe that we learn from every relationship we are in, whether they last 2 weeks or 20 years. And you've probably learned a lot by being loved by this person, even if it has ended in the pain of being left.

We're urging you to choose to look toward your future and what you want and not stay stuck in your past. Revenge will keep you stuck in your past.