Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Creating a blended or step-family is usually challenging to say the least. If you have your doubts, watch the movie, "Yours, Mine and Ours" and see for yourself!

Here's a question from one of our visitors and his honest feelings about his blended family situation...

"I am a 30 year old man who has recently entered into his third marriage. Both my past marriages ended because my wives cheated on me. The woman that I am married to is wonderful and I love her very much. We are expecting our first child together, her second, my fisrt in December. The problems for me have arisen due to her five year old daughter. I guess I feel like something is wrong with me. I just don't want her daughter around all the time. I get annoyed with her when she is constantly on me 24/7 following me around. The biological father is still in the picture and I don't want to get in the way of that. But to tell you the truth I hate changing my plans for him. I have begun to grow to resent my stepdaughter because of the other man. I don't want to treat her badly and want her to be happy as well. Everything seems to have gotten even worse for me now that my wife and I are expecting our first child. I need some advice on how to deal with this."

Here's our advice and we hope that it may also help others in similar situations...

You have a great deal going for you that you are in love with your wife but as you've probably figured out, it takes more than love to make it all work. Since you've never had children and I'm assuming that there were no other children in your previous marriages, you are probably shell-shocked by suddenly being a step-father to a 5 year old and the prospect of having a child of your own soon. As you probably know, your world as you knew it before is about to completely change with a baby on the way and changing your schedule because of your wife's ex-husband is just a precusor of the changes that you know that are in store for you.

Your wife's daughter obviously wants your attention since she follows you around. Her world has been rocked too! So how about sitting down with your wife and talking about how you can have some space and still connect with her daughter. What things can you and this child do together and are you willing to give her your full attention to connect with her for a period of time? Maybe your wife has some ideas about things that you can do with this child every evening for a short period of time and then you have some time for yourself. Your wife would probably enjoy the time by herself too. Because the truth is that the more you push this child away, the more she will want your attention--so begin to turn toward this situation instead of running from it.

There is no magic elixir to make you want to interact with your step-daughter or even your own child. It sounds like you have 1 foot in the marriage and 1 foot out. You have to decide that you want this family and commit to communicating and connecting. Start with talking with your wife about how to make this work for everyone. If your previous wives cheated on you, we suspect that you perhaps withdrew from them and they went elsewhere for attention and love. This may or may not be true.

If it is true--don't make the same mistake again. Communicate with your wife and be willing to open your heart to her and to the children in your life. Only you can make changes in your life and only you can stop running from them.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

When or "if" to leave a marriage or long-term relationship is a deeply personal decision that has to be made exclusively by the person involved. There are no "pat" answers and it takes a lot of introspection to come to your own best decision.

What it can come down to is this--Do I respect myself enough to expect no less than to be treated by my partner the way I should be treated?

We received two questions this week from two women with in our opinion, similar circumstances and similar issues to face around this topic of when is enough--enough.

Here are these two women's stories and our reply...

The first woman wrote:

"WEll, I must say I've been reading everything that you have sent me & even sent it on to my "other half". All I can say is it has helped me but with him he's just basically deleted anything I've sent him & ignored everything to the hilt.
I've finally decide to leave him because I can't take being ignored, talked to nasty, teased without any care for my feelings & just everything! His big deal is we were pregnant & he wanted me to get rid of it because he never wanted kids & made it quite clear on that fact. Then he changed his mind & accepted this miracle( he was never supposed to be able to have kids & never have with anyone else)but then he waited till I started having problems with my health that he changed his mind & FLIPPED out! He promised me that if this went like the doctor said it should that he would never blame me or himself for this & we'd work at staying together. Well, that didn't work! He has blamed me & himself for 2 years now, talked about not being worthy of living because he killed his son, who could have killed me.He's locked me out of our live together & turned to porn & to just plain ignoring me all together. All that matters to him is money now,but he hates his job & stresses out constantly to the point of a mini heart attack every day. He keeps hoping that he'll just die so he doesn't have to go on. Can you see the stress on me?!!I can't talk to him at all because his idea of fixing things is for him to walk out on me & leave me with everything or to kick me out with nothing.

I love him very much & do understand alot of his issues but he takes it to extremes so much that I can't handle it. He has given my side of the bed over to the dog,if i touch him i get bit & he laughs & thinks it's funny. he actually treats the dog better than he does me & thinks nothing of it. ie. he comes home dog greets him, it's all lovey- dovey but then he sees me & he gets nasty."

The other woman wrote...

"MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED 3 YEARS. WE HAVE A 7 YEAR OLD. I FIST LEARN OF HIS CHEATING WHEN I WAS PREGNANT. THEN ANOTHER AFFAIR WITHIN OUR FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE. OF COURSE, EACH TIME, HE WAS CAUGHT RED HANDED BUT HAS NEVER ADMITTED ANYTHING. ITS HAPPENING AGAIN. I FOUND 3 CONDOMS IN THE TRUNK OF HIS CAR. OVER A PERIOD OF A MONTH OR SO, EACH ONE DISAPPEARED. THEN THERES THE CELL PHONE THING. I HAVE SOOO MUCH RESENTMENT TOWARDS HIM. I HAVE NOT SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THE CONDOMS. I MAKE SLY REMARKS BUT NEVER TOLD HIM WHAT I FOUND. STUPID ME, I FEEL GUILTY FOR SNOOPING!!! HE TELLS ME OVER AND OVER THAT HE IS NOT CHEATING BUT I KNOW BETTER. I AM MISERABLE. I NEED HELP. WE JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE AND I'M NOT EVEN SURE IF I WANT TO LEAVE. HELP!!!"

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Our advice to both woman is to take some time and decide for yourself what love is to you and how you want and deserve to be treated by someone who loves you and someone who you choose to spend your life with. Make a list and then look at it. Decide if you are willing to keep living like you are living right now and if you want more.

For the first woman--You say you love him but we're not seeing any evidence that he is loving you. If the dog is treated better than you are, you have to ask yourself if you want to stay in a situation where this is true. How much are you willing to love yourself and change your circumstances so you can be loved by someone in the way that you want to be loved? You may understand this man's issues and love him as another human being but that in no way means that you have to be treated badly by this man. You can not fix him. He has to decide that he wants something better for his life and there's nothing you can do at this point except to take a stand for yourself. How much longer do you want to keep punishing yourself for what happened in the past by staying with this man?

For the second woman--If you know better that he is cheating, you have evidence that he is currently cheating and he was caught red-handed in past affairs--and he's not admitting anything--why are you continuing to stay with him? You mention the new house--You have to decide if staying in this new house--with you holding all of the resentment and anguish that you seem to have against him--is worth it. It looks like you have agreed that he can have his affairs and you can stay in the house. Even if you have not consciously agreed to this, you have agreed by your silence and your continuing to stay in this relationship and this house. You have to decide whether this is the agreement that you want to keep doing--because he seems happy with it. Whatever you decide, just be conscious about it.

These are two situations that require both women to look at their unconscious agreements and if they want to keep doing what they've been doing. If you see yourself in either of these stories, we suggest that you take some time and really look at your situation with new eyes and decide if you want to stay in it or not.

We have a course called "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" if you need some help with your decision.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Since we've written the book "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" , we get quite a few questions from people who are trying to make that decision. Here's one woman's story and her question which is one that people who have found themselves in similar situations ask...

"I have been in a relationship with someone who I really love for 6 years. Although it has been one sided as support goes. We were so happy to have found each other at first, until I got pregnant, with protection. He tried every way to get me to have an abortion, but from being through it with a friend, could not, and just trusted God to do what was best. Thus, I had a miscarriage. He was cold and distant all through this time and I suffered the miscarriage alone. But I still loved him and tried to forgive and forget.

"I have been the pillar of support for him all this time. Along with other family problems, I feel overwhelmed. He has since moved and is being very distant and verbally and mentally abusive to me. I live with my Mother due to her illness and he now lives farther away, which makes it hard for me to just leave when he acts mean to me. I have not talked to him in 3 weeks, as I told him not to call me again until he can treat me right. I know in my heart, I deserve to be treated better after 6 years of being the care giver and supporter. Never once has he been there for me when I needed help. I know the answer you are going to give me: Stay or Go?

"At first I felt angry, then hurt, and now numb, as he has made no attempt to call me and apologize or anything. I now find myself bitter and abusing myself with drinking and drugs, which I didn't use until I met him. I feel helpless because I can't fix this, Me or Us. I just feel in limbo or in the void so to speak. I know I need to fix me first, but I'm afraid. I spent 6 years living my life around him and his problems and health etc. How do I start to deal with this dead end situation. I know I'm dulling the pain by my self abuse. I also feel better by not making a decision to let it go and being in limbo for some strange reason. I do know I have learned alot about myself and what I can endure and the strength I have to go through all I have with him I never new I had. How can I move on with that lesson? "

First of all, I want to congratulate you for making the decision and sticking by it that you deserve to be treated better than you have been treated by this man. I also want to acknowledge that you are looking at what you've learned about yourself through this relationship and that you are wanting to move on with your life.

So you are further along than many people in similar situations who are stuck in feeling sorry for themselves.

With that being said, here are a few of my observations about your situation and some suggestions for moving on with your lesson...

1. Take some time and define what love means to you--and what it's not. You mention that this man did not support you. In your "What love is" column, you could elaborate on what support means to you. In your "What love isn't" column, talk about not being supported. The idea is to be very clear in what love is to you and what it isn't. By doing this, you will know when you see it and when you don't.

2. With your "What love is" list, begin focusing on you and looking for ways to nurture "you." It sounds like you have spent your life ( and create your identity) by "doing" everything for others, without asking for anything for yourself. You need to begin to understand that asking for and receiving help and support from others is not selfish but is essential to being a truly healthy person. So many people ( many women), show their love for others by "doing" for them. While being kind and giving to other people is certainly laudable, it can get you into trouble if you do so much for others that you neglect yourself. These people often end up being care-takers for others and ignore their own needs.

So do something loving for yourself every day. That can be doing one small thing that you want to do to love and nurture yourself. Take a walk in the woods, take a relaxing bath, take an hour and read a book by yourself--something that will help you reconnect with "you."

3. You mention self-abusing yourself with drugs and alcohol. It's good that you recognize that that is what you are doing. Now that you recognize it, get the help you need. Find a group to join in your area that will help you with getting off drugs and alcohol. When someone is trying to deal with an addiction, it takes support. Say "yes" to you and get the support you need. This is so important --that you ask for support by going to a group and participating in it. You haven't gotten the support that you wanted all those years and now is your chance to ask for others to support you.

4. Do not get into another relationship until you have worked on your addiction issues and begin to start learning how to receive love from other. You will simply draw another abusive person to you. Start taking steps to do these things first and a person who will give you the love and support that you want will show up when you have done some healing.

It's never easy to get out of our habitual patterns. It takes making the decision that you want and deserve more out of life. You deserve to be happy.

To this woman who sent in this question and to all people who are in similar circumstances--take the courage and begin to make positive changes in your life. Start learning how to love yourself.

Susie Collins, Relationship Coach

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Recently, Kathy wrote to us with a question that many people are living with now or have lived with in the past--how to get over the pain of a relationship breakup.

Here's Kathy's story...

"I am suffering from a broken heart...I have been married to my 2nd husband for almost 7 years. We have a blended family situation with 4 kids...he has 2, I have 2. A situation arose that he can not get past so he and his kids moved out. This is his 2nd time leaving. The first time, I begged and pleaded with him to stay and he did. I have not begged and pleaded this time, at least not like the first time. I believe we could work it out. We have made it through so many very hard times. And, I believe he still loves me and I do still love him. We had finally gotten to a point where things seemed to have settled down and that the hardest times were over. It took 5 years to get to that point, but we had made it. Then, this horrible thing happened. He moved out about 2 mos. ago. I cannot get rid of that feeling in the pit of my stomach, I still cry at the slightest mention of him or thought of him. Very few people know he has moved out because I cannot talk about it, it is too painful. I made a committment to this man and our family. I love him with all my heart and soul. Why is it "his" decision to walk out and how do I get over this feeling of emptiness and lonliness? All the joy is gone from my life. We did **everything** together and now he is gone. I feel lost and alone. If it weren't for my responsibility to my own kids, I would run away, far away....how do I deal with the fact that I still love him, but most likely will lose him forever?"

The crux of Kathy's (and many other) question is twofold: "How do I get over the emptiness and lonliness and how do I deal with the fact that I still love him?"

Here are a few suggestions from our recent book "How to Heal Your Broken Heart"...

1. It sounds like Kathy has isolated herself from others because of embarassment or any number of reasons. We suggest that anyone who has gone through a breakup find a support group--whether it's a friend who will be supportive but not let you stay in victim mode or a group at your local Crisis Center or church. Find someone or a group of someones to support you right now, even if it's just to have dinner out once a week or go to a movie. Isolation will perpetuate the lonliness and emptiness that you feel right now from the breakup so find some way to connect with someone.

2. Discover whether your relationship is truly over or not. Try counseling if you haven't already. If he won't go to counseling, take some time and discover what went wrong with the relationship and how you both could change to make it better. Take some time to figure out what you want your relationship to be like. If he's willing to talk with you and is open to listening, talk about the changes you are willing to make to keep your relationship together and make it better. If you don't know how to make those changes and he's willing to try again, get help. Don't just keep doing what you've done in the past because it hasn't worked up until now. If he's not willing, then the two of you need to decide what your next step is.

3. Do some things for you. It's important to learn what you do not want to repeat in this relationship or other relationships in the future but it's also important to discover yourself again. It sounds like you have put your whole life in the hands of this man. Discover who you are again. What things did you used to love to do that you no longer do? What things did you always wish you could do or learn? Start creating your life the way you want it.

4. Even though you may still love your husband, who you think he is or what you thought your life together was--the fact is that this relationship is more than likely changing form. If this relationship is truly over, and you have to discover whether it is or not, it's up to you to do whatever you can to transmute the love you have for him to whatever form is acceptable to both of you right now--whether that is being a friend or little or no communication. You can appreciate your past but know that it is in your past now. Again, taking responsibility for creating your life means letting the past go--keeping it as cherished memories but not allowing those memories to keep you from creating your now and your future. Start some forgiveness work for yourself and your husband. We recommend the book "Radical Forgiveness" to get you moving in that direction. When you begin actively working on yourself and your future, your love for your husband will transform itself.

This breakup is a wake up call for you to make some changes in your life. Now is the time for you to start getting to know you and start creating your future for you and your children.

There is a tendency when someone has experienced a breakup to dissolve into being a victim and into their despair. We suggest that you take the courage and start being an active participant in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As relationship coaches who have written a lot about jealousy, we've discovered many people who deal with jealousy are actually dealing with the past and not what's going on in the present. Here's a note from a person who is trying to cope with this issue...

"I am 22 and currently in my second real relationship. The first was a disaster from day one. I allowed myself to be manipulated and because I am gullable, she used it to her advantage. She cheated on me several times, which I later discovered a week or two after breaking up with her. Now I am with this girl who makes me feel like the luckiest guy in the world, she really is perfect, however I am plagued with mistrust and severe jealousy. I often accuse her of being unfaithful and I have a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go. I have never been so crazy about a girl before in my life, but my trust issues appear to be ruining what we have. I talk to her about this, and she says she understands, but she is 17 and I am soon to turn 23 and so I feel she doesn't have the life experience that I do. Please offer any advice you can."

Although these are two young people, age seems to have no bearing on how people react in this type of situation. The "jealous" person knows that their current partner is not doing anything to deserve the mistrust that he/she feels. Many, like this person, can also trace it back to a previous partner who left them for someone else and usually cheated on them.

So, what is the advice to someone who know he/she is ruining their current relationship but can't seem to stop?

1. Sign up for our free jealousy mini-course. You'll get some good ideas to start you thinking about what jealousy is doing in your life and some basic ideas to begin to heal it.

2. Constantly bring yourself into the present moment and remind yourself that you are not in your previous relationship and your current partner is not your past partner. When you find yourself thinking about the past, mentally pull your attention into the room where you are now and ask yourself what is your reality now. It might take some practice but certainly worth the effort.

3. Change the "move" that you run in your ming. I made the suggestion to a recent coaching client that she run a different "movie" in her mind everytime she begins to think about what happened in her previous relationship. Instead of seeing her new partner cheating on her in her mind, she ran the "movie" of being at the beach with her new partner and what fun they were having.

In every moment, it's up to you to create your current reality and take responsibility for what's happening here and now. When you dwell on what happened in the past, that's what you will draw to you. If you consciously dwell on what you want for your experience today instead of what you don't want, that's what you will draw to you.

The choice is yours to make!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We received this question from a visitor and thought it was a great question,one that many people live with after a breakup with someone who is married...

"I have a broken heart. Problem is I was seeing this person for almost a year. He was madly in love with me. (or so he said) He was married. I didn't find out until I was already deeply in love. I lost so much when my family found out. And he walked back to his perfect life and never looked back. I want so desparetly to let his wife know... Is this wrong?"

In answering this woman's question, we would suggest a couple of ideas for her to consider, as well as anyone who is in a similar situation.

1. What would be your motivation for telling this man's wife?
--Do you want this man's wife to hurt as much as you hurt right now?
--Do you want to pay this man back for hurting you so much?
--Do you think that you will hurt less if you tell this man's wife about your affair?
--Are you hoping that by telling her about the affair, she'll leave him and he'll come back to you?
--Do you just plain want revenge?
Be honest with yourself and figure out what thought is motivating you to do this and what you hope to gain by doing it.

2. After your motivation is clear, ask yourself if you will better be able to let the past go and move on with your life if you tell this man's wife or if you learn from what happened and heal your pain. From our experience, revenge doesn't heal your pain and allow you to move on. It simply ties you more to your past.

3. Although you are in a great deal of pain, before you would tell this man's wife about your affair, take some time and discover what lessons you've learned from this man and from being in this relationship. Are there are some ways that you've grown by loving this person, even though he chose not to continue your relationship? Are there some things that you've learned about yourself that you didn't know before being in a relationship with this man?
Are there some things you've learned about what you want and don't want in an intimate relationship? How are you wiser now?

You see, we believe that we learn from every relationship we are in, whether they last 2 weeks or 20 years. And you've probably learned a lot by being loved by this person, even if it has ended in the pain of being left.

We're urging you to choose to look toward your future and what you want and not stay stuck in your past. Revenge will keep you stuck in your past.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One thing is for sure--Dating can be scary, unknown territory, especially in midlife, after the age of 50. I was divorced in my 30th year of marriage and I know that I had no clue what was happening on the senior dating scene or even how to go about it.

For Otto and me, our love happened quickly and I wasn't ever actually on the dating scene--and we have been very happy together ever since. But in our years of coaching many people who find themselves either single again in their 40's or 50's or considering the possibility, we have come to some observations about the topic of what might be considered senior dating.

We've recently read a great book by Gail Sheehy called, "Sex and the Seasoned Woman" which is a must-read for any person--male or female--entering the "dating scene" in midlife. The book is full of stories from real men and women who tell about their experiences, not only about dating but about finding passion for life again.

One thing was very clear from the book, as well as what we've learned from our clients...

If you have either left a long-term marriage or you are the one who has left, take some time to get to know yourself first before launching into dating. Chances are if you have been in a long-term relationship and it has ended, you may not know who you are now that you are no longer a couple and in that relatinship.

Now's the time to discover where your true passion lies. It might be in a hobby that you didn't have time for. It might be something that you've been thinking about doing as a vocation for a long time but haven't had the courage to disrupt your life to pursue it. Now's the time to find your passion!

In Sheehy's book, she talks about three types of passion that midlifers are finding: a passionate relationship, work that brings them passion, and a passion and rekindling in their spiritual life.

We're saying that while investigating online senior dating services might be important for you to do, before you do that re-discover yourself and find out what you want in your life now. Remember, your life is not over unless you decide that it is.

Many men and women have found themselves single in midlife and have created happy, loving lives again--whether they found that "perfect" someone or have created a full new life in a new profession with a circle of friends. They have looked forward to what they want rather than what they left behind and have found renewed vitality and love. It is a choice and it's up to you.

If you need help healing from a relationship breakup or divorce, we've written a book "How to Heal Your Broken Heart" that may be able to help.

I wish you all my best,
Susie Collins

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)