Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Many people don't realize this yet but...

One of the most important things that we've learned by being together is that having love and connection can be "normal" in our lives and that this is possible for anyone if they choose.

We thought about this idea just the other day as we were reading in this month's issue of Oprah magazine an article with Oprah interviewing the soul singer Mary J. Blige.

In this interview, Mary talks about her transformation and how she went from blaming other people for her circumstances and feeling sorry for herself to taking responsibility for every part of her life.

"Normal" for her was carrying around an attitude that hadn't served her mother and certainly didn't serve her. According to the interview, she drank too much to cover her lack of self-confidence and went though life as a victim, holding onto a lot of anger and unforgiveness. All of this pain and rawness came out in the songs she sang.

According to the article, her transformation is reflective in every part of her life, especially in the songs she sings now. She told Oprah that because she is singing more positive kinds of songs she has lost a million fans when she released her "Love and Life" album but gained fans who are asking "How do we get free?"

In our words, Mary has chosen to make love "normal" in her life. She said, "I've gotta love me more than anybody else loves me" and we think that those certainly are powerful words to live by.

So, we ask you these questions...

Is love "normal" in your life?

If it isn't, what can you do to start making it that way?

If it is, what can you do to keep it "normal"?
If you are interested in creating more love in your life and want to make love "normal," here are some questions and ideas that we'll toss your way to get you thinking about how you can begin doing this:

1. Is there something that you need to stop doing or start doing that will bring more love into your life, which includes
loving yourself?

Mary J. Blige decided to quit drinking excessively and to come home instead of staying out "partying" all night after a concert. We choose every morning to connect in a way with each other that keeps our connection strong and healthy.

2. Is there someone you need to open your heart to more?

In this interview with Oprah, Mary said that she has issues hearing her husband but that she's growing. She said that she came from a family of women who were fighters and that they didn't listen to men. So in our way of thinking, opening her heart more is opening to listening to her husband without old judgments and attitudes creeping
in that have nothing to do with him.

You might be estranged from someone who used to mean a lot to you. You might be in a marriage or relationship
and the two of you seem to be going through the motions and not really connecting.

Whatever it is in your relationship (or even if you don't have a significant other), there is always space, if you're willing, to open your heart more and allow more love in.

3. Is there anything that you are accepting as "normal" that you no longer want to accept as "normal" in your life?

Mary J. Blige accepted her life of blame, feeling sorry for herself and excessive drinking as "normal." When she
overheard her now husband say that if she came home drunk again after staying out all night, he was leaving,
she decided to change what was "normal" for her.

Both of us chose to no longer accept an intimate relationship that wasn't close, connected and passionate as "normal." We choose in every moment to do the things that help us to keep our relationship alive and growing--that's what's "normal" for us now.

We invite you to consider what you have accepted as "normal" and decide what you truly want in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the biggest questions we get around the topic of jealousy concerns office flirtations--or flirtations with people other than their partner. Many people are caught in the "flirtation trap" and they or their partner can't figure out how to get out of it or have no desire to get out of it.

The "flirtation trap" goes like this...

Whether it's with a willing office co-worker, a person in a chat room, or through a dating service--the "flirtation trap" starts innocently enough with an email message, lunch or a cup of coffee. What starts innocently can and often does turn into an obsession with the other person and neglect of a partner. The two people caught in the "flitation trap" can move into physical intimacy or not.

Whether the flirtation moves into physical intimacy or not, the people who are caught in the trap can cause many problems for themselves and for others in their lives, largely because they aren't willing to look at really what's happening and the underlying causes.

You might be saying right now--"So what's wrong with having coffee with someone you like or cruising the internet to have some innocent fun?"

We say it's not innocent and here's why...

This "innocent" fun is masking a need that you aren't willing to look at in your life if you are currently in a committed relationship. We are in no way suggesting that if you are in a committed relationship, you have to keep to yourself and never mix with other people, especially of the opposite sex. What we are suggesting is that before you strike up a friendship with someone and before you begin "innocent" flirtations, you examine what your motivations are. What is it you are wanting from this relationship?

If your committed relationship isn't what you'd like it to be, we suggest that you start there before you start a secret or maybe not so secret flirtation with someone. Flirtations and extra-marital entanglements cause mistrust in relationships and they push two people further apart who are probably already disconnected because of any number of things.

What if you think your partner is engaging in this type of behavior?

Get yourself together and confront the issue without blaming. We know that's really hard because a loss of trust can be a very high wall to climb but you'll have a much better chance at rekindling your relationship if you do. You both need to ask yourselves what you're not getting from this relationship that you'd love to have. Maybe your relationship was once close and now it's not. What are you both willing to do to repair your relationship? What is the person who is/was caught in the "flirtation trap" willing to do to create the trust that's been broken?

Those are just a few simple ideas to get you started toward dealing with this issue if you are caught in it. We have a trust-building package that can help if you'd like further information.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Over this past holiday weekend, the two of us took a mini-vacation and drove to Asheville, North Carolina. It was sunny with tempertures in the upper 70's and low 80's. The whole experience was perfect! We spent our time hiking in the mountains and enjoying the great food and shopping in Asheville.

So enough about our perfect weekend--What's the romantic idea that can keep your relationship juicy?

The romantic idea is simple--make a date for a weekend, an evening or even an hour to be together, sharing something that you love to do. If at all possible, do minimal planning and see what happens.

Our weekend wasn't planned, except for our main destination and our hotel. We decided what we were going to do each morning and then if something else looked like what we wanted to do, we did that.

We're not saying that everyone would enjoy this but there's something absolutely freeing about following what you want to do in the moment instead of having your day so planned out that there's no room for following a whim.

For instance, we decided to visit a small town within 30 miles of Asheville and ended up quite by accident at the poet Carl Sandburg's farm. Believe it or not, it was one of the highlights of our fabulous trip because of the peace that we felt while we were there.

The point is to create some time in your life when you can connect in a very powerful way doing something that you both enjoy doing. It doesn't have to be expensive. Since we loved non-strenuous hiking in the mountains for short distances, we decided that we would hike more together in the hills around where we live.

Your relationship can stay juicy or some of the juice that used to be there can even come back if you both start looking for ways to share time and activities together in a way that connects the two of you.

Our wish for you is that you reclaim what you want in your life and relationships--because that's what we all deserve!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Keeping passion and spark in a long-term relationship is a challenge for most couples. Recently we received a series of questions about passion and spark and it's such an important topic that we thought we'd respond on this blog.

Here are the questions and a few of our comments...

1. Doesn't passion grow over time?
It can, yes--and it can also be a feeling that happens immediately. There are no rules about passion that pertain to every person. We've discovered that for most people in order for passion to grow over time, they have to have that as their intention. They have to make time and the space for passion to grow. If they don't, their passion can die and although they may still be very good friends, they are no longer attracted to one another as "love" partners.

2. Doesn't passion come in ebbs and flows?
Yes, it does in most relationships. What we've found to be true in our relationship is that when it "ebbs," we realize that somehow we've become disconnected from each other and it's a sign for us to reconnect. Although it's perfectly normal, to us, it's also a sign for us to recommit to each other and our relationship.

3. Can you have passion, long-lasting passion or spark without making yourself vulnerable?
No--we know of no way to have long-lasting passion or spark without allowing yourself to be vulnerable. What does being vulnerable mean? To us, it means opening to your truth and allowing the other person to see and hear who you truly are. It means letting down your defenses and your pretenses and just being who you truly are. True long-lasting passion comes from within as the two of you connect on a soul level. If one or both people are not willing to be who they truly are, then the spark between them has very little chance of authentic life.

4. Isn't a relationship that is literally immediately initiated on passion without honesty, trust and mututal respect bound for doom!?
Yes it is unless both people have the desire to change and create a connection at their core. It is possible for two people who have not been honest and respectful toward one another to change their relationship and base it on trust, honesty and respect--even after many years. But it does take the willingness, openness and desire of both people to do it.

If you have other questions or comments about passion and spark in long-term relationships, you are welcome to add your comments.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We just received a pretty common question about jealousy and we thought we'd give our suggestions in the hopes that any one in this situation can be benefited by them.

Here's what our reader asked...

"HE is driving me crazy!! He goes threw my mail, goes threw the scroll down on the computer to see the sites I have went to. there was a storie on cosmo about this guy who was cheeting on his wife I read it he found out and got mad!! I run a daycare and LITERALLY every dad, grandpa, uncle, and yes, even moms he accuses me of doing stuff, I not only have 2 kids of my own but the daycare kids too, what do he think I am just going to do something in front of them? I have never cheated but at this point I feel as though I am being treated worse than if I did. our daughter is 3 and he is like a step dad and has been there all her life I am afraid if I leave him she will never get to see him and if she does he will tell her dad to start problems and our son is 2 and I know he will drag me threw courtrooms and they have $ i dont nor do I have much support. PLEASE SOMEONE WRITE ANYTHING YOU THINK WILL HELP, he even has his mom and dad who live a block away look down at our house to be sure nobody is here"
The first thing I would tell you is to slow down and breathe! You have been caught up in his frenzy and you have to calm your mind so that you take action from a very grounded place.

It sounds like you are making up a lot of "stories" about what may or may not happen if you leave this man. So bring yourself into this present moment and address what's happening right now.

There are some questions that you need to ask:
1. Does he admit that he has a problem and if so, is he willing to get help to overcome it?
2. Is this environment healthy for either you or your children to live in if things don't change?
3. What are your fears about leaving your situation? Talk with a friend, therapist or coach about how to help yourself move on if you determine that you don't want to live like this any longer and he won't get help.

Our best advice is to start sorting out your options and determine if you want to continue living the way you are living. Take a stand for how you want your life and your children's lives to be!

We have a free email mini-course on overcoming jealousy that anyone is welcome to sign up for.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

When the topic of soul mates comes up, people are always wanting to know if they really exist and if they will ever find theirs! There are plenty of blogs about finding your soul mate and lots of mystique about the topic.

Although we agree that finding your soul mate can be a wonderful gift and that they really do exist, we have a little different idea of what soul mates are.

The romantic belief about soul mates purported by movies and romance novels says that there is one soul mate for you and if you miss that one opportunity to be together, you will have to "settle" for a life of dissatisfaction when it comes to having an intimate relationship.

Many people who want to find a soul mate have gone through several relationship breakups and feel they are "unlucky" at love. They feel they will never find that perfect someone who they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Although we have a somewhat different soul mate definition than what is commonly held, we absolutely believe that if you want a "soul mate" relationship, it is there for you to have.

We believe that a soul mate relationship can be one filled with passion, excitement, an incredible connection and all those things you imagine it to be. We recognize that those relationships do exist and we feel that it is possible to "find" that special person if that's your intention and path this time around.

The two of us had an immediate "soul mate" connection after we had left our previous marriages and have been together ever since, so we know that it is possible.

But that's not all there is.

We believe that soul mate relationships can take many different forms. They can be intimate relationships or they can be between friends, co-workers, family or people on the street. We believe that the purpose of all relationships, and especially soul mate relationships, is that we come together for personal and spiritual growth.

These soul mates can be the people we really seem to get along with or they can be people who really irritate us--and we can learn from all of them.

So if anyone can be a soul mate, can you attract a soul mate who you'd like to be with to you? Yes--but we also encourage you to think about the people who are already in your life as people to learn from--so that you can attract the person to you who you want to be with.

Sound confusing?

We believe that we are in every relationship to learn, to heal and to grow. Believe it or not, these souls come into relationships with you and even if it's uncomfortable, you can learn from them. If you limit your definition of a soul mate relationship to only the type you see in romance novels, you may be very disappointed.

We suggest that if you want to attract a close, connected relationship to you, that you begin learning how to be that kind of person--and that starts with learning from the people who are already in your life.

In order to learn from the people in your life, ask yourself these questions...

--What have I learned about myself as a result of being in a relationship with this person?
--How did this relationship help me to move forward to heal, learn and grow?
--What new beliefs did I take on or let go of as a result of being in this particular relationship?

Does all of this have anything to do with finding a soul mate who you want to be with?

If you begin to shift your viewpoint about what a soul mate is, new possibilities will begin to emerge and you will see your relationships for what they give to you.

You can start to become grateful for the people who are currently in your life and that gratefulness will begin to draw you more toward the relationship that you truly want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

When two families come together, there can certainly be wonderful things that come from the union but there can also be some aspects that are very uncomfortable for everyone involved. I found a few blogs about it and the topic is certainly a big one, especially if you're in one!

While the blended family can certainly be troublesome for the kids that are involved, it certainly has challenges for the new couple.

Often, there may be a feeling that there's a conspiracy against the new couple because it may seem like there's
never enough time, privacy, or energy to really be together and to have the fun and connection they once had together.

While our blended family has not always been perfect, we have learned some things that we'd like to share that have made our lives easier and happier.

We think this is a great topic, not just because so many of us are trying to blend step-families together --but,
because the same dynamics that are at work in blended families are present in nearly all relationships much of the time. This would include work and social situations, as well as families that are not blended.

In most cases, there seems to be a jockeying for position when two families come together because there's an unconscious belief by one or more of the family members that there isn't enough love to go around in this new arrangement.

This "jockeying" for position that happens when two families are trying to blend into one is very close to the dynamic that is present when there is jealousy in a relationship. When someone is jealous, it comes from fear that their needs won't be met.

We don't have a magic bullet for these conflicts. But we do have are a few suggestions that have worked for us and here they are...

--Plan special dates alone with your children so that they know there is enough love to go around

--Plan regular alone time with your spouse--to talk, to hold hands, to make love, to be together

--Remember your spouse is your friend and listen without judging, without butting in with advice unless asked.

--Get rid of blame and the need to be right. Work together towards positive solutions with open hearts and minds.

--Honor each other's differences. Parenting styles are so different and it takes a lot of courage to learn from each other and not be so rigid, thinking there's only one way to parent--your way.

--Clearly define roles, rules and expectations--Everyone in the family should be included in a discussion and buy into them. Make your steps clear.

--Be persistent, patient and don't take it personally!

If you are in a blended family, we urge you to make a commitment with your partner to take steps to improve the communication between the two of you. We've found that our family situation has improved as we have learned to communicate better with each other.

Everyday the two of us recommit our love for each other and our belief that we are together to learn from each other--and that includes our children. We wish the same for you and your family.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)