Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Have you ever found yourself reacting in a negative way, time and time again, to something that your loved one, a friend or co-worker says or does?

You might feel hurt, angry, disappointed or upset and you might even express those feelings, but nothing changes.

We all have those moments with the people in our lives that surface again and again--and if we look closely, we can start to see patterns and reasons why we react the way we do.

We'll explain with a story from our lives...

Yesterday, Otto had a particular "tone" to his voice that always triggers Susie to tell him (in a defensive way) that he's being condescending and she doesn't like it.

Now it doesn't happen too often anymore, but it did happen yesterday.

What was different yesterday was that instead of Otto getting angry and defensive about what Susie said, he opened to telling her what he was feeling underneath this "tone" in his voice.

She listened and understood. She understood that she had experienced the tone of his voice as condescending because it reminded her of the way her father had spoken to her at times when she was much younger.

She understood what Otto was feeling and separated this experience from the way she felt as a child with her father.

There certainly was a new "melting" between us around this particular pattern that we've been running since we've
been together.

Yesterday, It came down to a simple moment of understanding that made all the difference for us.

So, is there a pattern in your life with someone that you'd like to change?

If there is, here are some suggestions that have helped us...

1. Be willing to look beyond what is happening in this moment. Is this a familiar feeling that came up with people from your past and is now repeating itself?

2. Be willing to feel what you are feeling and not hide behind your "story" and your excuses.

3. Be willing to risk saying what you are feeling instead of lashing out with anger or sarcasm at the other person.

4. Be willing to open to listening with your heart to what the other person is saying without criticizing or judging.

5. Be willing to let go of your old pattern. Just let it drop away and choose to love instead of separate yourself from the people in your life.

This of course means that you never allow physical or emotional abuse in your life. Choosing to love yourself in this case may mean getting out of that harmful situation.

We're sharing our experience with you in the hopes that if it resonates with truth for you, you will begin to make some positive shifts in your relationships.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 08:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the fastest growing trends today is the home business, especially couples who go into business together. While home businesses definitely have their pluses, there can be some real pitfalls if you're not careful!

We started our marriage and our home business together during the same year and even though we thought we knew a great deal about relationships, we have had to really deepen our skills to keep our heads above water and to make it all work. Because we work in the same office in our home, we have to continue to put into practice what we teach and to be very conscious in every moment.

Today, we received a great question from a person who was commenting on a previous communciation article that we wrote and we thought it would be helpful to write specifically about couples who are trying to manuever the sticky terrain of working together and living together.

Here's what our visitor asked:

"My husband and I work together and we really fall into the pattern of pushing each others buttons. Even during our non working time, one of us will say something about how we didn't like the way a situation was handled. The ability to turn off business mode and get back into relationship mode is really tough.

Although it's important to discuss business matters on how we run our kids rug site, we don't take the time to block out space to do so. It ends up becoming an argument and getting in the way of our outside business life."

This is such a common question among couples who work together!

Here are some tips that we've discovered along the way that we'll pass on to you:

1. Learn to honor your differences and take the judgement out of your thoughts and your speech. This is probably the biggest thing we've had to learn in working together. Even though we love each other more than we have loved anyone, there are those thoughts of "why can't you do things the way I do them or want them to be done?"

Whenever these thoughts come up, ask yourself "what can I learn from him/her in this situation?" and open your heart to perhaps seeing another way to do something. Instead of instantly reacting from old patterns, allow yourself to just listen to the other's thoughts and ideas without shooting them down. Find some truth of merit in what your partner has said. Bypassing your old ways of doing things can be tough but it can also help you grow your business and your relationship at the same time.

2. Separate your two worlds--especially if you work out of your home. We have a rule that we don't allow business discussions to happen in our bedroom. Our bedroom is a sacred place for sleeping and love-making and if one of us launches into a business discussion there, the other person will usually bring us back to focusing on our connection and our love. If possible, have set business hours. Like most couples who work out of their home, we try to do that but sometimes we work much later than our stated hours. We do have a set time each morning and each evening to connect as a couple that has nothing to do with our business and we suggest that you create time in our day to do the same.

3. Take the time to resolve differences. The person who made the comment to our article knew that she and her husband needed to block out time and space to solve problems but they didn't seem to do it. Our advice is to make a commitment to each other that nothing is more important than to resolve differences and regain your connection. That is the commitment we have made to each other and if we don't honor it, we don't do well in our business. If we have unresolved feelings and resentments between the two of us, our business slows down and sometimes stops. Other couples may not be so fortunate to have such a mirror that forces them to take action to regain their connection--but if they truly look at themselves and their business, they probably do.

4. Take the time and space to rekindle your passion for each other and your relationship outside of the business. This is the pit that so many couples who work together find themselves falling into--they many be good, even great business partners but the spark between them dies a slow death and they find that they are no longer attracted to one another in that way. Passion certainly doesn't have to die if you are business partners although you have to decide that it is important and make it a priority in your relationship.

Couples can work together and also have a great intimate relationship but it takes commitment, choice, balance and of course a lot of love to do it.

If you are working with your intimate partner and have suggestions, please add them to the comments of this article.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

My mother is in the later stages of Alzheimer's disease and although there are so many aspects that are difficult, perhaps the most difficult is the loss of communication and connection with her. At times she seems to know who we are when we visit but verbal communication is almost impossible as she now speaks in random (or maybe not so random) words and partial sentences.

As I think of her the way she used to be, full of life and love, I'm reminded of just how precious our time with our loved ones is. We just bought Rosanne Cash's new album "Black Cadillac" dedicated to her father, Johnny Cash. In one of her songs, Rosanne said of her relationship with her father--"All these years to prove how much I care. I didn't know it, but you were always there..."

Sometimes, all we have to do is turn around and look at the love that is always there...

Maybe that love isn't exactly the way we want it, but it's there nonetheless and the only thing we have to do is open our eyes to it.

My daughter wrote a beautiful poem about trying to communcate with my mom, her "MeeMaw," with whom she's always had a special connection. In trying to understand, she wrote these beautiful words...

*******************************
"Searching With Meemaw"
by Amy Phillips-Gary

Where is she now?
We wonder
Sitting with our matriarch
Her gaze hazy and
Almost always
Someplace else

Are the bizarre words
Accounts of bits and pieces
Smatterings of memories
From her younger days?

Were those “tangled legs under a skirt”
Her own exploring, pleasure-filled
Adventures
What more is there that we
Will never know?
To this woman sitting before us
Almost a shell

Is there another realm
She visits when she leaves
A place where it is
Unlike
Anything
We can know

“Toast” needing to be “harvested”
“Showers” to be “counted”
What else lies beyond, alongside
The present
We call present
The now
We assume to be the only
Now?

I long to open the doors
To her mind
To climb inside
And ride with her
For just awhile
To better understand
Where she goes, has gone.
*******************************

We invite you to connect and communicate while you can with those who are and have been important to you in your life.

Susie Collins

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Could there be a simple relationship challenge that is so big and so important that it prevents the majority of people from having the kind of close, connected and loving relationships that they really want without them even realizing it?

We think it may be true and here's why...

We've all had relationships or marriages that have ended. Whether ending this relationship was your idea, your partner's or a mutual agreement, the fact is that most of us still carry wounds and unhealed parts of ourselves that keep us from truly opening our hearts to the people most important to us in our lives right now.

The problem that this creates for us in our current relationships and lives lies within this very important question...

The question is:

"How can we have the best relationships possible and open ourselves completely to love if there are still parts of us that need some healing from these past relationships?"

Our answer is--You can't but there are some things you can do to heal from those past relationships.

In order to have the best relationships possible, we've discovered that you have to do whatever it takes to heal the pain of your past instead of simply burying it or pretending that it isn't still there.

But let's back up a little and ask this question...

What sort of pain is showing up in your current relationships that could be happening or influenced by what happened in previous relationships that didn't work out?

This pain can come in my different forms and here are just a few examples...

1. You find yourself jealous for no apparent reason and your current partner hasn't done anything to deserve it.

2. You find yourself really angry and lashing out at other people and those other people haven't really said or done anything to deserve it.

3. You find yourself withdrawing from your partner and you don't know why.

4. You find that you mistrust your partner in many different ways and you keep a part of yourself separate from them.

These are just a few of the ways that we separte ourselves from our loved ones and we usually don't know why we're doing it. This separation tends to take a toll on a new relationship after awhile and we can find ourselves back in the same position of ending the new relationship--once more starting over without any clue as to what went wrong or how to do it.

To borrow a phrase from Oprah, one thing we know for sure is that if this is a pattern for you, take this opportunity to begin healing from your past relationships that ended. Even if you haven't been in several past relationships but you find that you and your partner seem to keep doing the same thing over and over with the same result--which doesn't feel good to either of you--then looking into healing your past may lead you to a better relationship.

So how do you start?

You start by beginning to recognize your patterns and realize that you can change. If you'd like specific information on how to begin doing this, we've written a free mini-course that we offer that can get you started toward making those changes in your life.

Remember, your relationships can change for the better and we invite you to open your heart to making that happen!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've been sick the past couple of days and it's given me time to watch a few movies, rest and think about a few things. One of the movies that I watched was the 2004 film The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou with Bill Murray in the lead as the oceanographer Steve Zissou. Although it was supposed to be funny, I didn't think it was. I thought it was a really good story of people trying to create connections with one another--even though they fumbled along the way.

Isn't that the way it seems in all our lives? We want to connect with others--or maybe we're even really afraid to connect because we've never been successful--and we just don't know how. And yet that's what we as humans truly want--this connection with one another that creates trust and allows us to have the love we truly want in our lives.

In the film, Steve Zissou never wanted to be a dad and yet found himself faced with a man who just might be his son. In the process of learning how to connect with his supposed son, he learned how to connect with members of the crew of his boat, his arch-oceanographic rival and even his estranged wife. Steve opened his heart and found a soft spot from where he could connect.

How great if we could all do that with the people in our lives!

Another dvd that I watched while I was not feeling well was a documentary called "What Babies Want." It's a beautiful explanation of how much babies remember and absorb from their time in utero to their birth experience--as well as a reminder to treat these beings with great love and respect from the very beginning of their lives.

According to the info in this documentary, trust begins in utero but especially moments after birth. When the baby is allowed to make eye contact with his/her mother or father immediately, the capacity to trust in life is created. When the baby is whisked away for procedures, learning to trust is delayed and may never happen.

Learning to trust starts with communication between the mom and baby in utero and continues as dad and other family members begin communicating from their hearts with this new being.

What does all of this have to do with you and your relationships?

This information shows us what can go right--to create a trusting, well-balanced human being--and what can go wrong--to create a fearful person who has closed themselves off from love.

According to the documentary, no matter what our birth experience was, we can learn new ways to trust and open our hearts. One of those ways is to repattern our birth in a process workshop like the one that I have done with Dr. Ray Castellino. I have gone through two of his process workshops and found them to be invaluable to repatterning old beliefs that I wasn't even aware of that had been holding me back.

You can also make the heart-felt decision to "soften" to those around you and begin to allow love in--like the Bill Murray character did in "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou." If you do, you can never know how many lives will be touched and changed--as well as how good you can feel.

I invite you today to find the soft place in your heart from where you can begin to create stronger connections with others.

Susie Collins

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)