Carol and her husband had been doing this common relationship dance for as long as she could remember. The scenario usually went something like this...

Her husband Tom would get frustrated by something--usually some repair that he was trying to do around the house--and Carol would offer her help. Tom would get triggered by Carol's offer and tell her that whenever she offers her help, he feels like she is smothering him. Their usual "dance" was that he would continue to tell her how her smothering was pushing him away and she would end up apologizing to him and feeling very bad about herself.

She came to us and wanted help in changing this dynamic between them because she didn't like the way she felt when they became so disconnected. She admitted that she had tried to "fix" everything for him, as she had done with almost everyone in her life. She realized that helping people, even when they hadn't asked for help, was her way of giving love.

We suggested that she begin to become very aware when she was giving help when it wasn't asked for and begin to become aware of when she was trying to please and to get love from someone by doing something for them. We told her that it was fine to do things for people to show your love but not if your motivation is to get love. Those kinds of "loving" actions can have a smothering effect on some people and that could have been what was happening between Carol and Tom.

Since Carol and Tom had been doing this particular relationship dance for many years, it was a challenge for Carol to take an honest assessment of her offers for help to determine when she was trying to fix it for him in return for love and when she was simply offering help. Slowly, she began to learn how to discern her motivations and to stop herself when she had the urge to "smother" him with her help.

But Tom had his own challenges in this dance too. He secretly enjoyed "catching" her when she was trying to be too helpful and was ever ready to give her a speech about her smothering. He also had some esteem issues and felt like he was inadequate in a lot of ways.

So when Carol began changing, Tom kept wanting to continue the pattern and their dance.

This week, Carol told us that she had a victory to tell us about. Tom had been particularly frustrated in trying to fix a leaky water pipe. Before Carol said anything to him, she searched her motivations and determined how she could help and that she didn't want anything in return.

When she asked Tom if he wanted help, he began to chastise her once again for smothering him. Instead of Carol following their prescribed dance, she told him in a neutral voice that if he didn't want her help, he could instead say "No, thank you." Instead of wanting to make it up with him and "chase" after him to apologize time and again, Carol simply said what was true for her--and then didn't hang onto to any of it. She let it go and Tom also let it go.

What a victory that she stopped the dance and their old, destructive pattern!

Anyone can change old patterns if they are willing to step outside of them and try something different. If you are stuck in an old pattern or destructive relationship dance, we urge you to begin making the changes that will bring you closer instead of tear you apart.