Trust: “How can I trust you with my feelings?”
A big issue around trust that can surface between two people in an intimate relationship concerns this question—“How can I trust you with my feelings if I feel put down when I express them?”
When people don’t feel like they have been heard, they shut down and distance themselves from their partner and the relationship. It doesn’t take long for this type of scenario to deaden the relationship, with both people feeling dissatisfied, alone and unloved.
Here’s what a man sent to us to comment on another one of our articles on trust:
“I sure wish I could trust my Wife to bring up a concern, or feeling and not have her respond by discounting my feelings, belittling me for having a concern or feeling. Quite recently, the following conversation took place.
Me: "I feel as though I am a failure as a Husband. I wanted to be a good provider for my family and have a good career so you would be able to stay home when we had children and be able to see them grow and only work if you wanted to"
Her: "Get a grip and grow up! You have a good honest job, and things don't always go as planned. You think they should just give you a high paying position if you are not qualified for it just because you think they owe it to you ?"
Thusly, I no longer express feelings or concerns, I am very tired of the verbal abuse when I do.”
If you are in this common relationship dance (as we call it), here are a few suggestions:
1. Identify the relationship dance that you both do and where you learned the dance. In our example, we can’t be absolutely sure what their dance is but we can say that when the husband expresses weakness or feelings of inadequacy, his wife attempts to make him “stronger” by having him look at the “reality” of the situation. Chances are both people saw this dynamic in action when they were growing up and now unconsciously repeat it. It probably didn’t work then for the people they witnessed using it and it’s not working for them now.
2. Before you share your feelings, check your motivation for sharing them. The person in our example obviously feels badly about himself and it’s not clear what he wants from his wife. Does he want her to just listen to him without reacting? Does he want her to tell him that he’s not a failure and that she loves him?
3. If your motivation is to just be “heard” by a loving friend, then preface your comments that you’d like your partner to just listen to you with love without commenting. If your motivation is to have that person say something that will make you feel better about your situation, then begin looking for ways to make yourself feel better, especially if the pattern has been that you don't get what you want from that person.
4. Choose some empowering ways to change your “dance.” In our example, the husband could recognize that he does have those feelings of inadequacy and failure and begin to take positive action to change his life circumstances. His wife could recognize that her comments come off as critical and abusive (chances are there was a lot of criticism in her family as she was growing up) even though she might not see it that way. She can learn to listen to her husband from an open heart instead of allowing the past and the way she looks at the world to rule her.
It’s important to know that all of us look at the world through very different lenses and if you want to keep trust strong in a relationship, you have to begin stepping out from behind your lens and into your heart.
For more articles on trust, visit http://www.RelationshipGold.com/Trust/index.htm.
