“I have been with my partner for 3 years now. We have a great relationship. We share everything together. The problem is we go through phases where we seem to ‘forget to appreciate’ what we have. We become distant, unappreciative of each other and sometimes argue. We seem to notice this pattern and try to make an effort to get things back to the way they were before. How can we avoid these phases and keep things exciting and interesting like they were before?”

What a great question and we'd like to offer some love advice to anyone in a similar situation! This couple is in a better spot than many couples who write to us because they recognize the pattern that they are creating for themselves. They are taking responsibility for what happens in their relationship.

That would be our #1 suggestion—Stand back and become aware of the “dance” that the two of you keep repeating, without judging either person.

Our #2 suggestion is to realize that we are all human and especially when we get busy or are under stress, we forget or don’t take the time to do the things to keep us close and connected as a couple. Life will have its ebb and flow and we will feel closer some times than others. The important thing is to be in touch with what you are feeling and as soon as one of you realizes that the “spark” between the two of you is missing to start doing the things that will bring you closer.

Our #3 suggestion is to have some ways in your couple “toolkit” that you can bring out at any moment that will bring you closer. What we do, as soon as we realize that we have drifted apart or are disconnected, is to stop what we are doing and make eye contact. We open our hearts to each other. If we need to say things to each other, we do. We have it as our agreement that we will listen to each other without getting defensive, trying to fix or interrupt during these times. That’s a pact we’ve made with each other and we continue to do it to keep our relationship strong and alive.

Our #4 suggestion is to have a time each day to connect and appreciate one another. We set aside the first hour of our day as the time we take to love and appreciate each other. If you don’t have an hour in each day (many people don’t), set aside 15 minutes to make eye contact and to open your hearts to one another in whatever way you choose. If you make this commitment to each other and keep your commitment, you will begin to notice that your relationship just keeps getting better and better.

To recap our main ideas:
1. Stand back and become aware of the “dance” that the two of you keep repeating, without judging either person.
2. Be in touch with what you are feeling and as soon as one of you realizes that the “spark” between the two of you is missing to start doing the things that will bring you closer.
3. Have some ways in your couple “toolkit” that you can bring out at any moment that will bring you closer.
4. Set aside a time each day to connect and appreciate one another.