Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Because we're fascinated by relationships, personal growth and our desire to understand why we are the way are and why we do what we do, we're always talking about and exploring how relationships work, both with our coaching clients and in our personal lives.

Although the movie "Crash," which is up for several awards, is violent and can be difficult to watch, we wanted to pass along our thoughts about how the film's message has some important life lessons if you are open to them.

The movie is set in Los Angeles and the first words spoken as we watch several cars crashing into one another on the freeway are are these--"Sometimes I think that people in this town crash into each other so they can feel one another."

The rest of the film depicts how people "crash" into one another in various ways for various reasons.

This "crashing" is not just the crashing into one another with vehicles but how people crash into one another in a million other ways, either consciously or unconsciously.

Here are some of the themes we see in the movie and how they relate to our personal and spiritual growth:

Theme #1: We're ALL connected.

It's our belief that we are ALL connected on many different levels and this movie was a huge reminder for us about that. This movie "Crash," through the intersection of the different characters, showed that we are all connected.

Theme #2: There are No accidents

The movie showed us that the Universe is totally on purpose and is in every moment conspiring to teach us what we most need to learn, face, heal and open to through our personal interactions with the other people in "earth school."

Marianne Williamson once said that "You can come to the truth through joy or through pain and the choice is up to you."

The characters in this movie certainly learned their life lessons through pain. We find that sometimes we can also learn and get additional distinctions for how we want our lives and relationships to be and what we want our beliefs to be by learning from the power of contrast.

This movie gave us many opportunities to look at and say "I don't what that" or "I want to make the world a better place by doing this...."

Theme # 3: Humanness

Seeing movies like this helps us to see the humanness and spirit in everyone. Movies like this are a reminder that we all have the same problems, challenges and issues that we're dealing with, even when we appear to be coming from radically different worlds. Sometimes it's helpful for us to see that there's a reason why people act the way they do when they cut us off in traffic or we see on TV or read about someone killing someone or doing something harmful to themselves or others.

Everyone probably has their own interpretation of what this movie means to them but to us, at the bottom of all of this "crashing" is the idea that we are all connected to each other and that we are all doing the best we can to feel that connection.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Most of us have gone through a relationship breakup sometime in our lives. Whether it's a high school romance or a 30 year marriage, the breakup can be devastating to you and usually is a life-changing event. We've written a book called "How to Heal Your Broken Heart: The Secrets to Getting over a Relationship Breakup or Divorce" to help people heal their pain, let go of what was or could have been and move on to a better life.

Although there can be many steps a person takes to get over a relationship breakup or divorce, there seem to be four big ones that can help anyone move toward healing.

There four steps are:

1. Acknowledge your pain. Acknowledging your pain while not drowning in it is your first step to healing your broken heart. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the relationship, even if you were the one who left, and also give yourself permission to reach out to people who uplift you and not bring you down. You might need to just have someone sit with you and not say anything while you cry. Ask a trusted friend to do this for you. You might want a friend to just put their arms around you. Ask for what will help you to move your pain. Remember this pain is temporary--or can be if that is your intention--but you do need to acknowledge that it is there.

2. Accept the reality of your situation. Don't see your situation worse than or better than it was. When there is a relationship breakup or divorce, you might be living with a lot of what ifs and wishing that it was different or the way it used to be. You might be seeing yourself as a victim or feeling very guilty. Bringing yourself into the reality of the present moment without making up untrue stories about your situation is perhaps one of the biggest things you
can do to help yourself heal.

3. Realize what you learned by being in this relationship--whether you were the one who left or was left. There are always gifts that come with any relationship. It might be some realization that you learned about yourself, what you want, or what you don't want in your life. How did this relationship make you stronger or even a better person?

4. Take time to discover who you are now that you are no longer in that relationship and what you want for your future. What interests do you have that you have ignored for a long time? What things have you not done for yourself that you would like to do again? How can you love yourself? Getting to know you and what you want for your future is vital to your getting over a breakup or divorce.

Even though everyone's healing journey is different, we've discovered that these four steps are at the very foundation of getting over a breakup or divorce and moving on with your life. For more information about healing from a breakup, visit http://www.HowtoHealaBrokenHeart.com

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

What if you have an intimate relationship that is “pretty good” most of the time but every now and then you notice that you become distant, pick at each other and even fight? How do you keep your relationship great more of the time?

Here’s a question that a person wrote to us recently that is a pretty common problem in relationships and one that may be happening in your relationship…

“I have been with my partner for 3 years now. We have a great relationship. We share everything together. The problem is we go through phases where we seem to ‘forget to appreciate’ what we have. We become distant, unappreciative of each other and sometimes argue. We seem to notice this pattern and try to make an effort to get things back to the way they were before. How can we avoid these phases and keep things exciting and interesting like they were before?”

What a great question and we'd like to offer some love advice to anyone in a similar situation! This couple is in a better spot than many couples who write to us because they recognize the pattern that they are creating for themselves. They are taking responsibility for what happens in their relationship.

That would be our #1 suggestion—Stand back and become aware of the “dance” that the two of you keep repeating, without judging either person.

Our #2 suggestion is to realize that we are all human and especially when we get busy or are under stress, we forget or don’t take the time to do the things to keep us close and connected as a couple. Life will have its ebb and flow and we will feel closer some times than others. The important thing is to be in touch with what you are feeling and as soon as one of you realizes that the “spark” between the two of you is missing to start doing the things that will bring you closer.

Our #3 suggestion is to have some ways in your couple “toolkit” that you can bring out at any moment that will bring you closer. What we do, as soon as we realize that we have drifted apart or are disconnected, is to stop what we are doing and make eye contact. We open our hearts to each other. If we need to say things to each other, we do. We have it as our agreement that we will listen to each other without getting defensive, trying to fix or interrupt during these times. That’s a pact we’ve made with each other and we continue to do it to keep our relationship strong and alive.

Our #4 suggestion is to have a time each day to connect and appreciate one another. We set aside the first hour of our day as the time we take to love and appreciate each other. If you don’t have an hour in each day (many people don’t), set aside 15 minutes to make eye contact and to open your hearts to one another in whatever way you choose. If you make this commitment to each other and keep your commitment, you will begin to notice that your relationship just keeps getting better and better.

To recap our main ideas:
1. Stand back and become aware of the “dance” that the two of you keep repeating, without judging either person.
2. Be in touch with what you are feeling and as soon as one of you realizes that the “spark” between the two of you is missing to start doing the things that will bring you closer.
3. Have some ways in your couple “toolkit” that you can bring out at any moment that will bring you closer.
4. Set aside a time each day to connect and appreciate one another.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Does the spark have to die in intimate relationships after the "honeymoon" period? We say no and here's why…

Remember how you first felt when you were together? Your heart jumped when your loved one came into the room or you heard his or her voice. You couldn't wait to be together. You went on special dates together and you spent time looking into each others' eyes and talking with one another.

If you've been together any length of time, these feelings have probably faded and maybe have disappeared completely. The two of you might be just saying "hello" and "Who's picking up the kids today?" -going for extended periods of time without having a conversation of any real consequence. Both of you might spend time in front of the television or the computer and not with your loved one truly connecting.

So if it's possible to keep the spark in your relationship, where do you start and what kinds of things can you do?

There are some things that you can do to create and keep relationships that have spark and are alive and growing and we'll share some of those ways in this article and also in a teleseminar series that we are doing starting February 2.

So if it's possible to keep the spark in your relationship, where do you start and what kinds of things can you do?

There are some things that you can do to create and keep relationships that have spark and are alive and growing and we'll share some of those ways in this article and also in a teleseminar series that we are doing starting February 2.

We have been together for many years and we practice what we "preach" to keep our relationship alive and growing. We were both married to other people and learned the hard way about what not to do in a relationship. We learned what we wanted and what we didn't want and then when we came together, consciously decided what we wanted our experience together to be.

Here are briefly some ideas that we use every day to keep passion and connection alive in our relationship and we offer them for you to try:

1. We are clear about our intentions about what want for our relationship and our lives.

2. We are committed to living our lives according to our intentions.

3. We continue to learn the skills and strategies to be able to heal the conflicts and challenges that come up between us quickly and easily-and to keep passion alive.

4. We have our hearts open more of the time to each other. Instead of blaming or worrying about being right-we try to recognize what we are feeling and open our hearts anyway.

5. We are honest with one another.

6. We do not run away when things get tough.

Our belief is that love, passion, intimacy and connection don't have to die and fade away. If you do the kind of things that cultivate love, passion, intimacy and connection on a daily basis, that's what will happen.

We've been together many years and our love, passion, intimacy and connection has only gotten deeper. We know couples who have been together for over 30 years and are still very passionate with one another.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This week I saw Eve Ensler's extrodinary one-woman show "Good Body" and I wanted to share a nugget of what I took away from the experience and how it relates to our relationships. According to Eve, we need to stop the self-hatred that many of us feel, especially in America, so that we can focus on doing what we are here to do to make the world a better place.

I started thinking about how self-hatred can sabotage relationships and actually suck the life out of them. In fact, we're doing a teleseminar series that will give people ideas on how to put life back into their relationship--"Keeping the Spark Alive in your Relationship or Marriage and How to Get the Spark Back if it seems to have faded" starting February 2.

So how does self-hatred affect your relationships, especially with an intimate partner?

If you hate yourself, nothing your partner does is ever enough. In fact, nothing anyone in your life does or says will ever convince you of your worth and that you are loved. When you hate yourself, you create distance, separation and disconnection with the people who are in your life and who love you. You end up shoving away the very thing you want and need--love.

How can you stop hating yourself?

1. If someone gives you a compliment, simply say "thank you." Stop yourself from putting any qualifier on it like--"I just bought this dress at a thrift store and it's nothing much" or "Yeah, my hair might look okay today but yesterday I was a mess!"

2. Give yourself permission to receive. So many of us, especially women, have learned somewhere along their path that their self-worth is tied to what they do for other people. If someone wants to do something nice for you--like pay for your dinner--let them. A friend of mine, actually she is my yoga teacher and I was her high school English teacher, gifted me with a ticket to see the performance of the "Good Body." What a wonderful treat and I got to practice receiving!

3. Whenever you start to criticize yourself, stop yourself and replace that thought or word with a loving one. This takes practice and it's done one moment at a time, so start now. Have you read Marsaru Emoto's "Messages from Water"? If you haven't, it's an eye-opener about how harmful, hateful words can truly harm us.

These are just a few ideas that came to me this morning. I welcome your thoughts!

Love, Susie Collins

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It was pretty interesting as we look back on this situation that happened a few weeks ago.

A friend who we don't get to see very often got to see the two of us in a "not so perfect moment." This was a moment when lots of things were going on around us and we both had some opinions and said some things to each other that needed some healing later on.

The short version of the story is that we disagreed with each other and were disconnected in that moment that our friend was there and it showed.

We all disagree and disconnect in various ways from one another from time to time. It's normal. We feel slighted, not loved, unappreciated or any number of things and these feelings create separations from those we love.

Whether it's your intimate partner, a family member, a friend or a co-worker--it happens to all of us.

We've discovered that it's what happens after you disagree, disconnect and get into your "relationship dance" or your patterns that makes the difference whether there will be "spark" or life in your relationship or not in the future.

This has certainly held true both in our own relationship and life and in the lives and relationships of the coaching clients that we work with in person and by telephone.

Since we're creating a series of teleseminars on how to keep the spark in your relationship and how to get it back if it has faded, it started us thinking that one of the important ways to do that is to pay attention to what happens after you disagree and disconnect.

We're offering a teleseminar series on Keeping the Spark Alive in your Relationship or Marriage and How to Get the Spark Back if it seems to have faded starting on February 2.

Recently, one of our coaching clients became disconnected from a friend he worked with. Our client's friend became very angry with him for something that our client had done. In turn, our client became angry because he just couldn't figure out what he had done that was so bad.

Pretty common scenario--Right?

No matter what type of relationship it is, it's what happens after the disagreement or disconnection that will determine whether the relationship grows or dies.

Here are some tips on what to do and how to come back together after a disagreement that we used after our
disconnection and we offer them to you to try so that your relationships keep growing in healthy ways:

1. What the disagreement or disconnection happens, stop yourself from responding in old, harmful ways that have done nothing but keep the two of you apart. Instead, take a few deep breaths. If you do respond in old harmful ways, take a moment to recognize that you have done so.

2. Let go of clinging to the idea of being right. Everyone sees things differently and looks out at life through different lenses. Chances are, the person you had the disagreement with thinks he/she is just as "right" as you are. So don't cling to your "rightness" and possibly lose the relationship.

3. After you have yourself under control, listen to the person with an open heart and open mind. Hard to do sometimes but absolutely necessary if you are going to keep your relationship healthy.

4. Take responsibility for your part in this disagreement--even if it's just to tell the other person that you can understand how they may feel the way they do. Tell how you were feeling and any circumstances that the other person might not know about that may have precipitated the disagreement.

5. Be open to exploring how you both can repair your relationship and make it better. If you come to this discussion with a strong desire to come back together and a sense of possibility, some ideas will emerge that will help your reconnection.

These are just a few ideas around this topic and if you want to learn much more, check out our teleseminar series.

Love

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A big issue around trust that can surface between two people in an intimate relationship concerns this question—“How can I trust you with my feelings if I feel put down when I express them?”

When people don’t feel like they have been heard, they shut down and distance themselves from their partner and the relationship. It doesn’t take long for this type of scenario to deaden the relationship, with both people feeling dissatisfied, alone and unloved.

Here’s what a man sent to us to comment on another one of our articles on trust:

“I sure wish I could trust my Wife to bring up a concern, or feeling and not have her respond by discounting my feelings, belittling me for having a concern or feeling. Quite recently, the following conversation took place.
Me: "I feel as though I am a failure as a Husband. I wanted to be a good provider for my family and have a good career so you would be able to stay home when we had children and be able to see them grow and only work if you wanted to"
Her: "Get a grip and grow up! You have a good honest job, and things don't always go as planned. You think they should just give you a high paying position if you are not qualified for it just because you think they owe it to you ?"
Thusly, I no longer express feelings or concerns, I am very tired of the verbal abuse when I do.”

If you are in this common relationship dance (as we call it), here are a few suggestions:

1. Identify the relationship dance that you both do and where you learned the dance. In our example, we can’t be absolutely sure what their dance is but we can say that when the husband expresses weakness or feelings of inadequacy, his wife attempts to make him “stronger” by having him look at the “reality” of the situation. Chances are both people saw this dynamic in action when they were growing up and now unconsciously repeat it. It probably didn’t work then for the people they witnessed using it and it’s not working for them now.

2. Before you share your feelings, check your motivation for sharing them. The person in our example obviously feels badly about himself and it’s not clear what he wants from his wife. Does he want her to just listen to him without reacting? Does he want her to tell him that he’s not a failure and that she loves him?

3. If your motivation is to just be “heard” by a loving friend, then preface your comments that you’d like your partner to just listen to you with love without commenting. If your motivation is to have that person say something that will make you feel better about your situation, then begin looking for ways to make yourself feel better, especially if the pattern has been that you don't get what you want from that person.

4. Choose some empowering ways to change your “dance.” In our example, the husband could recognize that he does have those feelings of inadequacy and failure and begin to take positive action to change his life circumstances. His wife could recognize that her comments come off as critical and abusive (chances are there was a lot of criticism in her family as she was growing up) even though she might not see it that way. She can learn to listen to her husband from an open heart instead of allowing the past and the way she looks at the world to rule her.

It’s important to know that all of us look at the world through very different lenses and if you want to keep trust strong in a relationship, you have to begin stepping out from behind your lens and into your heart.

For more articles on trust, visit http://www.RelationshipGold.com/Trust/index.htm.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If jealousy has been an issue for you, one of the biggest challenges is trust. If trust is an issue for you in your relationships and in your life, we don't have to tell you how painful it is.

Trust is the one quality that a relationship simply can't survive without. If you don't have trust, then you'll put a question mark in front of everything your partner says. You'll doubt their love. You'll harbor unhealed resentments.

In short, if for whatever reason you can't trust no matter how hard you try, you'll keep your partner at a distance and not let them get too close to you.

Sometimes people who have trust issues tell us things like… "I don't know why I feel this way because my husband doesn't do anything to deserve my mistrust," "I've been burned in past relationships and it's hard for me to trust anyone now," "Everyone cheats. How can I trust that anyone will be true to me?" and finally "I don't know how to deal with her lies anymore."

What we've discovered is that no one is born with trust issues. They are created from real or imagined fears about what may or may not be happening in their relationships.

If there are trust issues, one or both of the following explanations are usually underneath them:

1. The person is in a relationship with someone who has violated trust in some way and maybe even continues to violate it.

2.The person has had trust violated in past relationships and has created real fears in the present moment about events and circumstances that may or may not be happening in their current relationship.

The paradox of trust issues is that in order to heal trust, you have to be willing to open your heart and take conscious, intelligent risk. Most people who struggle with this issue have felt pain that is so great that they have shut themselves off from opening their hearts again. It's very difficult for them to move past this point.

Here are a few suggestions from our course "Creating Relationship Trust" that may help you begin to trust again:

1. Pay attention to the fears you are feeling, honor those feelings while discovering whether there is any truth to your fears.

2. We all tell stories to ourselves about everything in our lives. If you are telling yourself untrue stories about what is or may be happening, then stop yourself. Begin to trust in yourself that you can change the stories you tell yourself about your life or your relationships.

3. Ask yourself this question-"Is my reaction really about what's happening right now?" If your answer is yes, then have the courage to deal honestly with your situation. If your answer is no, then have the courage to stop yourself from creating separation and distance by saying and doing things that will harm your relationship.

4. Keep in mind that learning to trust others starts with you. If there are blatantly untrustworthy people in your life right now, then you are being asked to look at yourself and discover how you can heal from your past. If you make up stories about people who are really trustable, you are still called to begin a healing process.

If you are interested in learning more about how to build trust or how to rebuild it if it's been broken, visit http://www.creatingrelationshiptrust.com

For more articles about jealousy, visit http://www.RelationshipGold.com/Jealousy/index.htm

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)